Quiet Time Musings

Evil children

2007-12-11T22:21:00.000-08:00

So, today sucked. Really sucked. I am really struggling with my kids these days and today was a killer day. We seem to have this HUGE problem. My kids gang up on my niece. She's two - only 8 months younger than Baby Boy. Whenever she comes over, my kids morph into these two mean and spiteful children. They won't share. They run around and try to lock my niece out of their room, not including her in what they're doing. It drives both me and my sister mental. It makes me almost sick to my stomach. Why are they like this? What have I done to teach them how to be so awful?

I know part of it is my own insecurities. I had a rough go in junior high and still hold the fear of not being accepted. It is my highest priority to try and teach both of my children to be kind and inclusive. They're pretty good with other kids. Baby Girl has had some issues with letting people in her room before, but that seems to have passed. EXCEPT when it comes to my niece.

So today was awful. We were having a great morning. Nice, quiet, nowhere to go. Baby Girl and Baby Boy were playing great together...for what seemed like hours. Then my niece arrived. I tried to engage them all. A new tactic, instead of letting them play without direct adult contact. I thought it would help to get our day off to a good start. We settled down at the coffee table to do our letters to Santa. And from out of nowhere, Baby Girl spiralled into a hysterical tantrum that lasted for at least 45 minutes. I couldn't figure out the problem. All she did was scream and cry and refuse to let me leave her. When I finally had her settled down, Baby Boy got set off with something...a sharing issue and then he spent 30 minutes in his room screaming at me. Every time I went in to try and console him and see if he was ready to be nice, he threw another fit and tried to hit me.

After lunch, we put my niece downstairs for her afternoon nap and suddenly the two happy children returned. I DON'T GET IT. The words I hate my children ran through my brain. Where has this behaviour come from? What am I doing wrong? I'm starting to think I should find someone else to take care of my kids when my husband and I go to Mexico in January, because I don't want to inflict this torture on my sister for 7 days....especially considering she's about to have a baby any day.

God, please give me strength and patience and some kind of wisdom.

Monday status check

2007-12-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

OK - I'm not getting any better at writing. Here's where things are at on this bright sunny Monday.

1. My mom arrived with minimal issues. OK, she missed her first flight out of Mexico, but managed to check another flight in time for her connection out of Phoenix. You can only imagine how happy I would have been if she had NOT walked off the plane at 11.08pm last Monday night after I had driven 3 treacherous hours through rain and sleet to pick her up. She talked all 4 hours back to our house....again driving through rain and fog, almost hitting one deer...arriving at 3:30am.

2. So far we've only had one or two major meltdowns. Thursday's was the worst, which involved me breaking down in front of pretty much my entire mother's group and needing a 45 minute power walk to clear my head. Too many hot buttons in one moment of time.

3. My sister is still pregnant. Today is her due date so now we all start to get antsy about when the baby will come. My mom has been at my house for a week, so it's probably time for her to switch houses so she can help babysit my sister's toddler.

4. Weight loss is on track. I lost another 1.5 pounds this week, despite my trip to Wendy's when picking my mom up, pizza the next night and then a dinner out with friends that included baked brie and garlic in a filo pastry. Thank goodness for step class.

So the week ahead is full....kids' activities, one kids Christmas party, the CPR train comes through town one night and a big party on Saturday night. Oh, and I hope I'll get to become an aunt this week. Writing more often is definitely on my New Year's Resolution list.

M.I.A

2007-12-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

November 13th - that's what my dashboard says is the last time I posted. How can so much time have passed? I know, I went away to the big city and coming back from a trip, any kind of trip, always throws things out of whack. The duffel bag sits on my bedroom floor for days, waiting to be unpacked and laundry done. My email (although much smaller in number as of late) needs to be caught up on. The business of life kicks back in and I'm pushed running from activity to activity, trying to keep my children entertained and my sanity level calm.

So here we are in December. I know what else has occupied my time. My new Mexico goal. I returned from the big city with a big aspiration - lose weight and start to get fit. With our trip to an adult-only inclusive resort in Mexico in January, I felt compelled to finally get off my ass and start to remove some of this baby-fat inner tube that lives around my waist. And so far, so good. I've even recruited my husband to join me in my / our efforts. I've joined Weight Watchers online and so have been obsessed for the last 14 days with counting points and going to the gym. The gym part is the fun stuff. I'm totally addicted. I feel like I want to go every day, even though my poor child rearing body screams at me halfway through a class, reminding me that I am NOT in shape and that I do NOT have any core strength. But afterwards, I feel good.

I'm also starting to feel the wave of anxiety rushing towards me over the arrival of my mother tomorrow. My sister is due to pop any day now with her second baby and so our mother is arriving to help with her toddler. Her arrival means the deep rooted anger and sadness that I feel over our flailing relationship is brought bubbling to the surface. I've spent many nights already working through the tears over where things are at and trying to determine how to handle things this time around. I know it will be the same - I'll pretend everything is ok and she will disappoint me again. Such is life.

I'm also frustrated with my kids these days. No longer are they these little cherubs who make cute baby mistakes that you can chalk up to stage of development. I'm constantly struggling with my daughter's selfishness and will to "not share". My son spends his days angry and therefore spends lots of time in his room working through that anger until he can stop hitting or pinching. They're wearing me down and I'm starting to take their behaviour personally. All the reading I do at night tells me it's not my fault, but deep down I feel like somewhere along the way I've failed.

So you can see that my time has been occupied. My mind is a constant war zone of anxiety...and Christmas is just around the corner. At least the trips to the gym are helping to relieve some of the stress and there's always Mexico to look forward to.

Time away

2007-11-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

Today is packing day. Tomorrow I pack up the kids and head west to the Big City for a few days of materialistic pleasures and some visiting with friends. Living in a small town has curbed a lot of my material appetite. Our shopping is limited to Wal-Mart and some high priced shops along the main street. I'm not lured by IKEA, Old Navy, or Children's World for regular trips to the mall. I'm also not lured by the extra fast food options of the big city - Cinnabon, Jugo Juice, Wendy's, just to name a few. A&W and KFC get old and undesirable pretty fast. A trip to the big city allows for a short burst of indulgence. I try to go prepared with a list of things I "need" so that I don't get distracted by the bright lights and variety of options that lie before me when I get to a real mall.

The shopping on this trip will likely be minimal. With both kids in tow and no husband for back-up, there won't be any solo shopping trips. My hopes of doing some Christmas shopping will be limited as a trip to Toys R Us to buy things from Santa just won't happen with a four and two year old along for the ride. I'll have to get back online and shop locally for Christmas, which isn't such a bad thing. By the time we get back on Sunday I'll be all fast-fooded out and ready to get back into the swing of home cooked meals again.

The main drive of our trip is to visit friends. I was back through the city in the spring time but was mostly passing through as I made trips to my mother's house to help her pack and move. So I didn't get a chance to visit with many people and I'm feeling out of touch. There's some new babies to meet and snuggle and lots of friends for the kids to play with to pass the time. I don't think I have any visits planned where there isn't at least one child in the house.

What has caught me today as I've confirmed playdates and organized our schedule is this low murmur of trepidation in seeing some of my friends. We've lived away from the city for 3 years now and it's enough time to feel pretty disconnected from most of them. There's a few friends that I still talk to on a regular basis but most of them are connected through random e-mails or the Facebook phenomenon. Many of us are running in different life stages. Although our kids are similar ages, none of us are in the same boat any more, whether it's working v. not working, married vs divorced, new baby vs all finished. Part of me fears the disconnect. Most of these people are my good friends, friends from university, ones who know my past. Those friends are special in that there's so much you don't have to explain. Yet at the same time, I'm suddenly aware of feeling like I've changed and worry that there will be moments of awkward silence and lack of connection.

As always I guess it goes back to expectations. I need to focus on the reason for going back - to catch up and show off my kids, enjoy some big city treats and then scurry back to the coziness of small town living - and not get upset about the lack of deep conversations and sincerity that I miss from relationships that have evolved.

Thursday Thirteen: 13 not so great things about winter

2007-11-08T19:12:00.000-08:00

OK, the title is deceiving. I couldn't actually think of 13 things about winter I don't like....so the last four are things I DO like about winter. But with daylight savings time started and the dark taking over at 4pm, I'm already feeling the winter blues descending from the low lying cloud cover.

Here's 9 things I don't like about winter, and 4 things I do like. Let me know if I missed any of yours (favorite or not).

1. Dark nights - it's 4pm and already getting dark, how depressing. If only my kids would go to bed at 4pm some days.

2. Grey skies and rainy days - the month of November can be miserable here in small town Canada. No more blue skies of the prairies.

3. Cold house. I think I've mentioned the heat war in our house. I'm always cold and my husband is always warm, so the house usually feels cold to me.

4 . Cold feet. It's nearly impossible to feel warm when your feet are cold - and hard to warm up when your husband won't let you warm your feet up against him.

5. Head colds - early November and I'm already hit. I really suffered last year with a stuffed head and am hoping this year won't be a repeat performance. Runny noses on your kids goes along with this one.

6. Bundling your kids - snowsuits, mittens, jackets, layers - going out takes forever just to get out the door.

7. Lack of fruit - back to apples, bananas and oranges unless you're prepared to pay a small fortune.

8. Less things to keep kids busy. The park just isn't any fun when it's raining and the winds are blowing off the lake. Plus with the early nights, I can't send them running out into the backyard after supper.

9. Hibernating friends. You see people less because they're bundled up in their houses and not out and about.

OK, here's the good things.

1. Tons of snow - I grew up in a skiing family, so at the beginning of winter, it's always a pleasure to see the flakes fall. Especially where I live, where the snow isn't accompanied with bitter cold temperatures.

2. Skiing - hasn't happened much in the last few years, but when it has it sure has felt great when I have made it out to the hill and since it's only 1/2 hour away, I have no more excuses this year with the kids both in daycare on Fridays.

3. Sweaters...if I had lots of money, I'd buy new ones every year. I always enjoy digging through my sweaters and finding ones I forgot I had.

4. Movies. The race for Oscar brings out the good movies and the summer blockbusters come out on DVD, so coupled with the fall season of TV, the evenings had some entertainment.

A gem from the mouth of Baby Boy

2007-11-07T18:14:00.000-08:00

When I picked up Baby Boy from the gym's daycare this morning, his caregiver relayed this story.

Apparently she and Baby Boy were reading a stroy about a bunny that's having a bad day and decides to go to Bunnyland so things will go better. The caregiver asked Baby Boy,

"Baby Boy, do you have bad days sometimes?".

To which Fraser replied

"No, but Baby Girl does."

Considering the hysteria that started our day this morning, courtesy of Baby Girl, I wasn't surprised at this comment, but wow, did the story make me laugh!

Navigating marital balance

2007-11-06T13:17:00.000-08:00

A strange thing happened last night. My husband and I had an argument. His tone changed, my tears flowed. I went to bed tired and emotional. For some I'm sure this occurs often, but for us it doesn't. We get along pretty well and have a good give and take relationship when it comes to managing life and our outdoor pursuits. But last night, we just couldn't seem to find the same page. He has a full slate of things that he could and would like to do this weekend....watching hockey games with friends, going fishing, playing soccer. As a stay at home parent, I wait eagerly for the weekend to arrive to have some daytime backup in how we spend our day. Weekends where I have to manage the kids all day are not a weekend for me. I want us to do family things, even if it's just a trip to the park or a visit with friends. I know it comes back to expectations and maybe mine are just too high. I know the weekends are a down time for my husband too. He works hard all week and needs some space of his own.

And so here lies the conundrum. How to manage balance in our marriage? Keeping my head down and taking the weekends as they come seem wrong. But how to best argue my case? I don't want to be the nagging wife that says no to my husband's requests for extra-curricular activities, but at the same time I'm looking for balance and maybe just some renewed attention to us as a couple. Having little kids sure is hard for so many different reasons.

Super Saturday

2007-11-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a day comes and goes with positivity written all over it. Yesterday was such a day. It was a busy day, but also included some rare gems of peace. We started the day by helping out at Baby Girl's preschool. It was a work party day so we arrived to help paint the shed, rake the leaves and lay the sod for the new playground. They had a babysitter there so both my husband and I were able to help. Nothing like starting the day with some good karma.

Baby Girl had indoor soccer at noon and we all went along to watch. My husband coached and cheered from the sidelines while Baby Boy and I sat in the viewing area and ate lunch. We returned home and one by one found our way into a wonderful afternoon slumber. First Baby Boy, down for his regular nap. Then my husband curled up on the couch. After an hour of entertaining Baby Girl, I told her I too was going for a sleep and crawled into bed. She rummaged around for another 45 minutes but eventually came and crawled into bed with me. What a treat!

At 5pm we all arose, full of energy and so after some supper (which my husband made) for the kids, I got Baby Boy bathed and set up on the couch with a Thomas video while Baby Girl and I drove into town to go and see "Bee Movie". What a fun girls night out. We came home, I read her a story and she promptly went to bed. No fuss, no fight. My husband and I enjoyed a lovely late dinner together and then curled up on the couch to watch a movie together.

What a blissful day....the joy of it all makes me oblivious to any bickering or tantruming that took place in between the ups of the day.

Oh - and I'll try not to think about the night that followed with my dog waking me up at 1am and then Baby Boy waking me up at 3am, only to arise at 6:30am.

Thursday Thirteen: 13 things in a perfect day

2007-11-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

So last Friday I had pretty much a perfect day. It's been a long time since I've had a whole day to myself. My husband headed out of town for work for a few days so I was totally on my own, but with the kids in daycare all day, I had 8 hours of time to do just what I wanted.

There are many things that would make up a perfect day, but here's 13 things I did on my perfect day last Friday.

1. Changed the biggest poo EVER. I know a strange way to start a perfect day, but it had to be done.

2. Got to snuggle in Baby Girl's bed with her as she was waking up. Kids are so much cuddlier as they're waking up than when they're already awake.

3. Helped a friend by taking her kids to daycare.

4. Hiked up the local lookout in the glorious fall sunshine and ran back down.

5. Felt good about spending 90 minutes in a meeting. My brain got a workout today too!

6. Saw a friend at the store and could spend a few minutes chatting about non-stressful things, for once.

7. Spent an hour in the library, just browsing!

8 & 9. Ate in a cafe by myself, reading my new book from the library and staring out the window watching the world go by.

10. Meandered the main street in our little town, shopping for new baby gifts.

11. Talked to my friend on the phone for the full "new baby" update. Her third child was born two days earlier.

12. Spent the evening painting note cards on the couch while watching videos.

13. Snuggled into my flannel sheets with Baby Girl who was keeping my husband's side of the bed warm.

Playdate Etiquette

2007-10-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of playdates today have got me thinking. What is the etiquette for playdates these days? Baby Girl is four now and has started going to playdates where I can leave and come back later. We've also started hosting playdates and some questions that have bubbled up in my brain are:

1. How long is a 4 year old playdate? Is 2 hours enough or would a whole morning / afternoon work?
2. What's the food rules? I agree that there can always be a snack. But if you're invited for a playdate that starts in the morning, should you assume you're staying for lunch too?
3. In line with food rules, what are the treat rules? Can you or should you offer candy, ice cream, cookies, etc?
4. Can TV watching be included in playdates? Here's where I'm struggling. It seems to me if you're having another kid over to play, that they should be playing, not watching TV. Should I be concerned when my daughter goes on playdates and they watch TV?
5. What are the reciprocation rules? If we're invited one week, should we invite back the next week or soon after? Within how much time before you should definitely reciprocate? This is obviously easier for me as a stay at home parent. It feels like a dating question - how long to wait before you call.
6. I have two kids. So is it fair to ask to have both kids hosted if the other family is a two kid family too?
7. What about discipline? I think it's fair to enforce your own house rules regarding manners and such, but what if things get out of hand?

It's seems kind of complicated. Or maybe I'm just making it more complicated for myself.

Any thoughts?

Comforting and Cuddling

2007-10-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

I marvel at my children and their funny differences. My last post must have caused me to draw more attention to these little things that differentiate Baby Boy and Baby Girl.

Baby Girl was never a cuddly baby. She would nurse, pull back and demand to be put in her bed. She has been independent from the start. But perseverance on my part has brought her around. I've even told her about how she wouldn't cuddle me when she was a baby. She now, at 4 years old, has true moments of cuddliness. We've determined that first thing in the morning is the best time to cuddle and I can usually count on at least 2-3 minutes of a Baby Girl snuggle when she first gets up. Mostly I think she's just trying to get on my good side for what comes next. "Can I watch Treehouse, Mama". But hey, it gets me a snuggle.

Baby Boy on the other hand, was a cuddlier baby. He wanted to nurse more and was harder to convince that going to sleep was a good thing. He's a mama's boy. Always happy to climb into my lap while we're at playgroups. What baffles me is his reaction to be comforted. Baby Boy finds true comfort in his blanket. It is a beautiful handmade quilt from my Aunt and he carries it everywhere. And when he falls down or Baby Girl upsets him or someone hurts his feelings, the most important thing is his "lankie". I'll try to scoop him up and hold him close, but he will call for his blanket and then push me away. It almost breaks my heart to think that I can't be his true source of comfort. Even harder is his night terrors. It's taken a long time for me to realize that there is nothing I can do when he is having one but touch him, let him know I'm there and then back off to let the terror run its course. It sends needles through my veins to hear him crying and know, again, that there is nothing I can do to comfort him.

What does amaze me is how quickly both of my children have caught on to the golden opportunity of snuggling and how asking for a snuggle can get my attention. There have been lots of times that one or the other has come to me at the computer whining "I wanna snuggle you". It's hard to drag me away from my computer some days, but I am determined to stand by my mantra that there's always time for a snuggle.

Navigating Differences

2007-10-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

Now that Baby Boy is over 2, I'm really starting to notice differences. Differences in personality, differences in gender traits. Things that work(ed) for Baby Girl cause me to feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall with Baby Boy. Baby Girl is attentive to discipline (kind of). She'll focus on my face when I try to hold her attention. She always has. Baby Boy, on the other hand, is strong willed against being disciplined. He lashes out - hitting, pinching, biting. He won't look you in the face, will stand with his back to you, chin down. It's tiring. I'm returning to the big bad world of the experts in books to try and find some new tools for my parenting belt to try and get some better results. At the same time, I'm trying to be more mindful and less of a yeller, an ultimatum giver. It's hard work.

Another place where I notice a big difference is in eating. Baby Girl has, and still is a big voracious eater. She seems to always be hungry, always asking for snacks. She eats well with the healthy food placed in front of her. I wish she would drink more. Unlike her brother who would live his life on liquids, especially milk. I've had to start to hold back on the milk at dinner time so that he will actually eat. The other difference is speed. Baby Girl gobbles up her food and is ready to go. Baby Boy picks away at his and then is distracted from eating any more. Any word about dessert and it's game over, Baby Boy's "all done". Given time, he will work his way through a relatively good sized meal, but more often than not, he's too distracted and eager to get down and play with Baby Girl, who finished her meal ages ago. The conundrum becomes whether to force Baby Girl to stay at the table so he'll finish, or just resign myself to the belief that he will eat if he's hungry.

Thursday Thirteen - 13 random questions lingering in my brain

2007-10-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a painful week. Our dog was attacked by another dog while I had her out for a walk. I've experienced many public displays of hysteria with my children. And our little family enjoyed the craziness of a live Max and Ruby stage show in a nearby town.

In my travels this week, here's 13 random questions I've had floating through my brain.

1. Why is it that no matter how many kids you already have, people always ask whether you're going to have more?

2. Why do grandparents always take their grand kids out for fast food lunches? One of my clearest memories of my grandparents is our outings to McDonalds....back when the now medium drink was a large and a whole family could eat for under $10.

3. Why, when on uphill hikes, the mother will always carry the baby in the backpack instead of the father?

4. Why do kids hate having their hair washed?

5. How can kids (and dogs for that matter) run around all day and not seem tired, especially when by 3pm I'm usually ready for a nap? I'm always amazed that my kids are still running around screaming at 5pm when I pick them up from daycare on Fridays.

6. At what age to women suddenly decide they have to have short haircuts? You know the haircut I mean...short, grey, permed.

7. Why do children seem to find the most unreasonable thing to meltdown over...like how many french fries you're taking from them to share, or not letting them put ice in their own cup.

8. Why does dog hair only gather in certain parts of the house - like behind couches or under dinner tables? And why is it always in places where the afternoon sun likes to shine, just drawing attention to it?

9. Why are kids always raring to go at 6am whereas parents would love to sleep in until 10am? OK, maybe it's just me.

10. Why, if your dog bit another dog, would you give a false name? I'm bitter and hostile.

11. Why can I always fall asleep in the afternoon for a nap (even with the loudest outside noise), but at night the slightest sound drives me batty?

12. Why is it so difficult to stop eating chocolate and drinking caffeinated beverages? Ok - I know these items contained addictive qualities....it's more rhetorical.

13. What would my life be like if I hadn't gotten on a bus to Noosa Australia, 11 years ago? This is a "Sliding Doors" question....you know, how one instant in time could change your entire life. I'm sure glad I got on that bus.

Any crazy questions floating around in your brain?

Quiet and peaceful living

2007-10-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

It is quiet and peaceful here today. The day started slowly and leisurely. Some cartoons for the kids while Mama stayed in bed for an extra hour. What a treat! Poor Papa had to get up and go to work....but such is his role in this family. Our morning has included a long and leisurely breakfast and now the kids are happily playing together downstairs - reading books, moving toys around as they go on their adventures - while I look at my favorite blogs and tidy up the kitchen. It amazes me how well Baby Girl and Baby Boy can play together, when they want to. They're such good friends really. It warms my heart.

I'm actually feeling kind of lonely today. When I started up my main email this morning, I was greeted with No Messages. After months of watching the new messages scroll in with things to action or take care of, I feel a loss of direction with no messages to attend to. What a joy then to find a comment waiting for me on my blog email.....there are people out there!

I'm trying to shift back into this quieter life. I know my family will thank me for it. I know my health will thank me for it. But a part of me feels less important now. Time to find something new to put some energy into, something that feels good, maybe creative.

A pocket of good in an otherwise bad day

2007-10-21T23:05:00.000-07:00

Today has been crap. It's been a cold fall day. Not one where the sun warms the air enough to enjoy being out, kicking the leaves. It has been grey and drizzly and cold. It is also my husband's birthday. So expectations have been a problem today. Not his, mine. I love birthdays and have high expectations of them being special and fun.

To celebrate the birthday, last night we had a party. An adult party. My husband wanted to watch Hockey Night in Canada. So we invited a bunch of couples over, plus my singleton brother who arrived in town for the weekend and the boys watched hockey. When it was done, we all played boys vs. girls Cranium. It was hilarious, competitive, cutthroat. And there was A LOT of beer consumed.....by my husband and brother (and a few other party goers).

This meant a slow start to his day. In fact most of his day was slow. He lounged / snoozed on the couch until 10am and spent most of the afternoon in bed snoozing. But I digress. This post wasn't meant to be a rant about all the things that have made me irritated and angry today. I was intending a post where I simply stated that today was a shitty day and I have spent most of it angry. Some of it even blood boiling angry.

And then around 4pm, for just over an hour, the clouds cleared on my day and I was able to laugh and smile. With Baby Boy finally napping, I took Baby Girl and we went to the pool for an hour. She insisted on wearing a life jacket and suddenly she could swim. Her last set of lessons had kicked in and with the life jacket on, she was racing around the pool, actually swimming. She chased me around the river and did big jumps into the deep pool. She showed me her back floats and scooped bubbles in the hot tub. It was a full hour of just mother / daughter time and I loved it. So amongst the anger and the frustration today, Baby Girl helped me find some light.

(Belated) Thursday Thirteen: 13 ways I feel like a good mother

2007-10-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

Two little kids sure can challenge you and there's lots of days I wonder how my "good mother" report card would measure up. Here's a list of 13 ways I actually feel like a good mother.

1. When Baby Girl wants to snuggle into my bed and sleep with me when my husband is away for work.

2. When I whisper I love you to Baby Girl when she's asleep and she says I love you back.

3. When my kids say please or thank you without prompting.

4. When my kids ask for more vegetables or express their preference for broccoli or red pepper.

5. When my kids ask for another story to be read to them or spend tons of time just sitting looking at their books.

6. When my kids say "I missed you Mama" after their day at daycare.

7. When my kids come up to me and just say "I wanna snuggle you Mama" - even when I know they're just playing me for something.

8. When I can turn their frown into a smile, or even better a laugh.

9. When we dance around the kitchen, laughing.

10. When my kids share with other kids, without being asked.

11. When my kids help me make fresh banana muffins.

12. When I find a new activity to do with my kids that they enjoy, like painting or riding their bikes.

13. When my kids seem really grateful for something I've done for them - even if it's gotten them a new movie to watch or a new toy.

Navigating the emotions of a 4-year old

2007-10-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I'll admit that I'm starting to struggle. I've been in this mothering game for about 4.5 years now and it never ceases to amaze me how hard it is. My patience and understanding levels are starting to wear thin and I've still got at least 16 years to go until Baby Boy is 18.

My most recent dilemma is dealing with the attitude of my four year old daughter. The sass has started and I'm struggling with how teach her good manners. A lot of my lack of patience comes from being tired and disconnected. I'm trying very hard to reacquaint myself with what a good stay at home mother should be doing.....getting down on the floor more to colour, play games, etc. But I seem to constantly be butting heads with this moody and rude child that has appeared. Many a day is spent dealing with disciplining Baby Girl on how she should be talking to her mother and dealing with the hysterics that ensue when the consequences are enforced.

To paint a more clear picture - I speak firmly, she doesn't listen, I tell her to go to her room, she yells "no", I pick her up, she writhes out of my arms, I place her in her room, she spends the next 1/2 hour screaming at me. Not a pleasant experience.

What I do find interesting is the dialogue that happens after she has settled down. We seem to spend a period of time talking about how she is still mad or upset, but at least we're on speaking terms. The good thing is that usually later in the day she snuggles up to me and tells me she is sorry for whatever it is that she had done.

It makes me fearful for the ride to come. It is really hard not to take her outbursts personally. This is a strong willed little girl, who is going to push me to my limits and it's hard to know whether I'm picking the right path of teaching. I don't want to even think about what my already moody 2-year old son will be like in a couple of years.

Expectations

2007-10-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

It's a funny thing about expectations - you can never really get them quite right. They're either too high or too low. For example....

Too high
Getting down on the floor to play with my daughter and spend one on one time together. I've been trying to make more individual time for my kids, hoping to reconnect with them after being so busy all summer. Well, today after 5 minutes she has a fit about who is winning the game and doesn't want to play anymore. So I tell her I don't want to play with someone who is being unfriendly and she throws an even bigger fit because she wants me to play with her. Why bother, I ask myself, why bother?

So often my expectations are too high. I try to check them at the door and take things as they come, but often find myself disappointed. I have had endless conversations with my friends about how surprised we are when we're let down AGAIN by someone's actions.

Which makes the times when your expectations are set low and you're overwhelmed by a good experience so great. Again, an example....

Too Low
Last night I went to a spontaneous birthday party of a new friend. She is about 12 years older than me and I didn't know anyone else going to the party so I went with the intention of stopping in to say happy birthday and then going back home to my husband sleeping on the couch watching hockey (another expectation). I ended up having a great time. My face ached from laughing so much as I sat around the kitchen with my friend and her group of girlfriends talking about anything and everything - sex, high school, marriage. I crept back in after midnight, refueled after a new and different girls night out.

Thursday Thirteen - 13 things that drive me crazy

2007-10-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

This 13 was inspired yesterday by my children who were definitely driving me crazy. Here's 13 things that drive me crazy (there are a few more, but they're best left to the confines of my own mind).

1. my dog - her pacing when the wind comes up, her whining, her barking outside at anything and nothing

2. my son's high pitched scream that has suddenly appeared

3. the small dog sized dust bunnies that gather daily under my kitchen table, highlighted by the sun through the window, despite regular vacuuming

4. my son's eating habits - he gets up and down from the table, not eating, but having a fit every time you say you're taking his food away

5. my husband's snoring - no further comment necessary

6. my daughter's messy room - I know, it's only going to get worse (this is when I wish I had a digital camera to show you what it looks like)

7. when the top rack of the dishwasher doesn't clean - kind of defeats the purpose, when you have to hand wash all those dishes anyways

8. early mornings, in general - however life has gotten better now that both children will happily watch kids CBC for an hour

9. TV reruns - I know the season has just started, but I know that in another couple of weeks, there will be a few weeks of reruns, grrrr. On a side note here, how mad was I last night when I snuggled down on the couch at 7:59pm for an evening of Pushing Daisies and Private Practice, only to have the cable quit for the rest of the night.

10. my neighbour - nothing better than a 20-something, bike-riding single guy living next door that likes to throw very loud parties....my best friend and my mom can both attest to the sound level.

11. the local movie theatre - this one screen theatre always manages to play the worst current movie selection. My teenage babysitter would be rich if there was a good movie playing every week. Saying that we're going to see Heartbreak Kid on Friday...a last, a reason for date night.

12. my cravings for Coke and chocolate - my inner tube would be so much smaller if I could just kick these habits - and that's Coca-Cola, just to be clear

13. the heat and window war - my husband wants the windows open, I want them closed. I want the heat on, my husband wants it off....no matter the season, the battle continues.

What things drive you crazy? Any good ideas for a Thursday 13?

Thanksgiving

2007-10-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. Our weekend has been relatively quiet, time spent mostly just as our little family of four. As my mind is starting to clear from the craziness of this summer's extra-curricular activities, I am starting to see the things I should be focusing on. So to celebrate Thanksgiving, here's a list of things I'm thankful for.

1. My children. Two beautiful people that are my greatest achievements. Every day they teach me something new. Without them I would be incomplete.

2. My husband. He is my yin to my yang. He grounds me and supports me. Without him I would be lost and lonely. He is my true love.

3. My family. A mother, a sister, a brother. A memory of a wonderful father. I am lucky to have a family so close and supportive.

4. My friends. Both old and new. What a joy this year to celebrate Thanksgiving with a group of friends. They keep my spirit lifted with laughter and talking.

5. My home. We are truly blessed through hard work to have a warm and comfortable home.

6. New adventures. I am excited to begin a journey to learn to paint. I am eager to return to writing. I am ready to embrace exercise and improve my health.

7. Primetime TV. Ok, this is a silly one. But it sure feels nice to snuggle up under a blanket now that it is fall and spend the evening in the guilt pleasure company of my friends at Seattle Grace, Wisteria Lane, the Walker family home and Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Life at the bottom of a well

2007-10-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, at the bottom of a well. Or at least that's what it feels like. A whole month has passed since I blogged. My mind is a muddle. My emotions are flaring. My mood is erratic. Somehow I managed to go away on retreat, then take a long overdue holiday with JUST my husband and then came back to spiral down into burnout. I've never felt this way before. Completely spent, totally exhausted, utterly confused.

I came to the realization last week that something needed to change. Last year I joined the volunteer board of a local organization and it has in two rapid jumps become a full-time job. For the last 8 weeks (save the retreat and holiday time) I have been clocking close to 50 hours a week for this organization....AS A VOLUNTEER. We've been in a state of crisis and with me being the only person at home full-time, and with my ridiculous work ethic, I managed to take on the majority of the work to get things back on track. I've been so caught up in it that I couldn't see my children suffering, my husband getting frustrated or myself getting sick. But in finally seeing all that, I felt helpless to push back. Until last Tuesday, when I finally said the words out loud. "I've had enough, I need to stop." And so now the process is underway for me to let go and walk away.

It's been a long hard year as I look back. I've spent all of it, giving my energy to someone else's problems. First I managed my mother's affairs as she sold, packed up and moved. Then it was the drama that is this volunteer work. I lost focus on the reason that we chose to downsize and live a simpler life - so that I could focus on my children and my family. My kids are four and two now and are finally at a place where I can step back and reclaim some time for myself. My dopamine levels are low. I need to find something to kick start the happy in my head and body again. But when you're sitting at the bottom of the well, looking up the long narrow walls to the tiny light at the top, it's hard to see the stones that are sticking out to help you climb your way back up.

I know what I need, it's just finding the energy to do it. I need to exercise. I need to write. I need to reconnect with my children and get down on the floor and play again, instead of talk to them over my shoulder from the computer desk. I need to spend time with my husband. I need to spend time with my friends. I need to stop mourning a baby that I'll never have.

Luckily, it's Thursday night and the dopamine-inducing Grey's Anatomy is on. Small steps....small steps.

Thursday Thirteen - 13 countries I've visited

2007-08-31T00:12:00.000-07:00

Well, next week I'll be on holiday....from life. My husband and I are packing up and thanks to my mother will be going away for 5 nights down to Las Vegas to bask in the heat and enjoy some solo time. On top of that, this weekend I am going to a Buddha Mom retreat with my Mom and sister to a nearby backcountry lodge. I'm hoping to center myself for the couple of days of parenthood between the weekend retreat and the high road to Vegas. More than anything, I'm actually really excited to get away from my computer. I'm addicted and overworked so the best thing is to get me right away from the bloody thing to relax and get rid of the stupid cough I've picked up.

In preparation for our travels, here's a list of 13 countries I've visited....

1. Canada - I've only made it as far as Quebec City, but hope to see the East coast one day.

2. United States - mostly the Western States, but did enjoy an expense paid trip to Florida with Mark's work one year.

3. Mexico - travel before and after kids on this one.

4. Fiji - first stop on my world adventures.

5. Cook Islands - glorious honeymoon

6. Australia - touched every coast except the Northern one.

7. England - this one will keep drawing us back to visit friends and family.

8. Germany - dear to my heart after my exchange student experience.

9. France - Paris - one of my favorite places and many other great stops.

10. Switzerland - a stop to visit friends on our European adventure

11. Austria - beautiful mountains, kind of remind of home now

12. Ireland - will definitely go back to enjoy the winding roads and friendly people

13. Spain - loved Barcelona, hated Madrid

Distractions

2007-08-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm stressed out....and feel like I'm burning out. Last fall I decided it was time to step outside of my SAHM bubble and do some volunteering. I joined a local board and thought it would be a good way for me to connect with some people on a working level. As per my personality, I jumped in with two feet and my entire torso. It was a pretty laid back group, as per our small town locale and my eagerness allowed me to take on lots. Three months ago I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I was in charge of fundraising and not getting much support, but it felt great to be doing grown-up things again.

AND THEN SHIT HIT THE FAN. Without getting into details, our Executive Director resigned and the Board is trying to hold things together while recruiting a new person for the job. And guess who's the go-to-girl, overseer of almost everything? ME. Why? Because everyone is busy and many people are slackers and I hate the thought of dropping the ball. The hardest part is that with every task that needs to be done, there seems to be 10 issues to resolve. Not a pretty picture.

So I'm stressed out. I'm not sleeping well. I'm spending way too much time on the computer doing "work" and not enough time being relaxed with my kids. My urge to write isn't even there, because I spend so much time responding to emails. It sucks. Thank goodness I have a VERY VERY VERY supportive and understanding husband and I have a whole week of vacation without my kids in the very near future when I will have no choice but to walk away and not think about any of it.

On a happy note, I have successfully motivated myself to go to the gym. I've been to three classes so far and swam several times while Baby Girl has been doing lessons. I've even successfully made it through the caffeine headache and given up my Coke Slurpee habit. My body is incredibly achy....but it feels great!

Thursday Thirteen - 13 things I love about my husband

2007-08-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

In celebration of our 7th wedding anniversary this weekend, I thought I should focus my energy on all the things I love about my husband. It's been a crazy 7 years. He's still the love of my life!

The list is longer than 13, but here's some highlights!

1. He's got an English accent. I may not hear it as much anymore, but is sure is cute when I do catch wind of an especially "English" sounding word.

2. He rubs my feet almost every time I ask.

3. He lets me sleep in more often than not. When we used to have to get up around the same time for work he always used to let me have the second shower because he said I was a better person for the extra 10 minutes.

4. He cleans the dog run and takes out the garbage.

5. He is patient....oh so patient, in so many different ways.

6. He lets me pack up our kids on a whim to hit the road when the mood strikes me. He's happy to let us trek across the mountains when I feel the need for some big city friend time and retail therapy.

7. Better yet, while we're gone, he cleans the house!

8. The best thing is that he cooks and cooks well. My health really would suffer if he didn't do some cooking every week.

9. He recently let me buy very expensive sunglasses. I don't ask for much in the way of shopping, but when I do, he's always happy to let me spend.

10. He has a great farmer's tan. His left arm is especially tanned from driving around in his car all summer!

11. He loves my family and all their craziness.

12. He calls to ask if I want a slurpee on the way home from work....always thinking of me and my stress levels.

13. He has the greatest laugh when you really get him laughing. If you've heard it, you know the one I'm talking about.

Disillusioned

2007-08-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

I never expected parenting to be so difficult. These past few weeks especially, I find myself wandering through my SAHM days, unmotivated and frustrated. Little things set me off and I struggle to find joy in the little moments when it seems like at every turn there is a tantrum to diffuse or displining to be done. The days are a blur. They all feel the same. Get up, breakfast, outing, lunch, quiet time, dinner, bedtime. By the time the kids are tucked into bed, my energy level is refreshed and I am ready for an evening of adult activity. Invariably I'm met with a husband who falls asleep at 8:30pm while we're watching TV and so I face the rest of the evening alone. I can't go to bed, I'm not tired. If I lie my head down, my mind only races. Either that or my frustration level soars with the sounds of snoring echoing in my ears. I know time is slipping through my fingers. My kids are young for such a short period of time, but I'm feeling worn down and tired.

I think about making a change. Maybe going back to work would be the answer. But I am quick to remind myself that most of what I do now (meals, laundry, house cleaning, etc) would still need to be done, just with less time as I would be working instead of at home. I also challenge myself to remember that the whole reason we downsized and moved to a small town was so that one of us could be at home. I don't know the answer.

I'm trying to keep positive. There is 5 days in Vegas on the horizon, just me and my husband. And a "mother's retreat" the weekend before that with just my sister and my mother. September will be busy with new activities. Baby Girl starts preschool and I am trying to motivate myself to get going on a better exercise program. There will be time to just "be" with Baby Boy. Something we haven't really had yet in his 2.5 years. In no time it will be Christmas and we'll be covered in snow, wishing for summer.

Dear Bed and Slumber

2007-08-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Bed and Slumber,

I miss you. As I hurry through my day, I often think longingly of our time together and wish I could find a way to spend more time in your embrace. I think about when I was younger, when I wasn't driven by responsibility and obligations. A time when I could succumb to your call. We spent so much time together before these little people took over my life. I remember living in England, returning home from work and falling into you, pulling the duvet high over my shoulders and releasing the stress of the day to Slumber, waking hours later to eat and spend the evening in quiet. I remember weekends when my husband and I owned our first home, when we would sneak away in the afternoons to snuggle up like spoons and sleep the afternoon away, awaking refreshed and ready to take on our evening's activities at the pub.

Our time together is few and far between these days. Afternoon naps are rare and even when the opportunity presents itself, my ear must remain alert to stirrings and sounds throughout the house. Nighttime isn't even a sure bet anymore. My mind works overtime to process the day and the rumble beside me often keeps me awake and frustrated, forcing me out of your grasp to a cold and uncomfortable couch to find sleep. Invariably the nights are broken with a late night visitor looking for company in the bathroom or to be tucked in after a bad dream. The mornings arrive quickly and I struggle to remove your warmth to take on another day. My body screams for more time, but the voices and faces beside my bed are louder and more persistent. Little ones are not to be ignored.

And so I thought it important to write to you. To let you know that our time is not forgotten. I long for our reaquaintance but I know that life will keep us from my desired state.

Forever yours.

Holiday weekend highs...and a low

2007-08-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

You've got to love Canada for all our summer long weekends. It has been a true holiday weekend here - visitors, a party, time at the beach, even some afternoon siesta time. Here's a recap of the highs and one very unfortunate low.

High #1 My best friend from the Big City made the trip out with her 5 year old son (my godson) for the weekend. My kids LOVE this kid and he's the best 5 year old boy ever. It was so great to see them, catch up and take some pics of the kids hanging out together.

High #2
Birthday party bash at my sister's place for my brother-in-law. There were lots of adults and lots of kids. There were enough older kids that they all entertained each other with a game of hide and seek. How great is it that Baby Girl is getting old enough to allow her to just run around and play without 24/7 supervision at these thing? Baby Boy even joined in the fun while his Papa watched over him.

High #3
I wish I had a camera for this one. We were all in the kitchen waiting for my sister to get the banana cream pies ready to sing Happy Birthday. The kids had gathered around the kitchen, but Baby Boy had climbed up on the bench at the kitchen table to watch the preparations. No one was paying him any attention. Then my sister's brother-in-law told me to look over at Baby Boy. There he was crouched right down with his nose at the edge of the pie plate and then casually he just leaned over and took a great big LICK of the whip cream on the top of the pie. Priceless!

High #4
Sunday morning, after a pancake breakfast and my friend had taken off for the day to visit her relatives, my husband corners me in the kitchen and says "why don't I take the kids down to the park for a couple of hours so you can have a nap?" I almost fainted on the spot. Can you say "best husband EVER award"?!!!!

And the low..........

On Saturday night we got home late from the birthday party where we had taken our two German shepherds to play with my sister's two German shepherds (they're all related, crazy - I know). My husband let them in the backyard to go for a pee and we heard lots of barking. I went out in the backyard and saw them cowering in the middle of the yard. I called them up on the deck and surprise, surprise, our dog was wet and STANK LIKE SKUNK. So at midnight, I was driving to 7-11 to buy hydrogen peroxide to make up the miracle mix to de-skunk both dogs. They have spent the rest of the weekend on the deck and have had 2 hose downs so far.

Thursday Thirteen - 13 cool trips I've been on

2007-08-01T23:32:00.000-07:00

I've been reading some blogs of friends who are not leading a mommy life and include exciting travels around the globe. So I felt inspired to remind myself of the travels I've enjoyed....here's 13 of the best trips I've been on.....

1. Family bike trip from Frank's Slide, AB to Cranbrook up to Golden and back to Calgary. Three kids (16, 14, 13), two parents, one tent trailer and 5 bikes. The kids got to ride the Canadian Tire 10 speeds, while Mom and Dad got the new mountain bikes. My brother and I rode almost the whole way. We still have stupid little songs from that trip that we sing to each other...."come on little sister" and "du bist ein verlorner". Family bonding 101.

2. Berlin Germany 1989, before the wall fell. It's pretty cool to think that I have a picture of myself against the Brandenburger Gate when it still divided West and East Berlin. I was 16, on an exchange program to Germany. Pretty eerie to walk the wall and see armed guards. Even crazier when the wall fell only a couple of months later. The whole exchange program trip was pretty cool too.

3. Vancouver road trip 1992. Four girls in a station wagon on a road trip from Calgary to Vancouver. The highlight being one night at "The Roxy" (how cliche) in Vancouver - lots for drinks and a late night down at Kits beach.

4. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico - New Year's Eve 1995. Three girls on a holiday to Mexico. Roaming the streets, drinking margaritas in a bar owned by Calgarians. Lots of really silly pictures.

5. Mount St. Helen's Volcano on the 15th anniversary of its eruption - 1995. A fluke really, but what great timing. A last minute pit stop on a 7000km road trip with a guy friend through Montana, Utah, Arizona, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, Vancouver/Whistler and back to Calgary. I think we spent more time driving in the car than we did actually seeing anything. Good times though - a great way to celebrating graduating university.

6. Some remote bay on the island of Vanau Levu, Fiji. This one has lots of crazy stories. My girl friend and I were trying to find a friend of my uncle's where we were going to stay for a few days. We ended up having to take a ferry from one island to another, where we had to stay overnight in a local family's home because there was no accommodation, so we could take another smaller ferry BACK to a remote bay on the first island where there were two houses and no sign of people when the boat dropped us off and left again. Talk about naive travellers. But what a great couple of days we had once the people showed up!

7. Fraser Island, Australia - July 1996. The moon rose up over the Pacific Ocean. A dingo watched two backpackers' first kiss. It was love and still is.

8. Sydney, Australia - New Years Eve 1996. Nothing beats the fireworks over the Harbour Bridge in Sydney. My first NYE with my hubby.

9. Paris, middle of a heat wave, summer 1997. I fell in love with Paris on this visit. A romantic jaunt through the Chunnel while living in England. We walked and walked and walked. We did not go to the Louvre, but we did climb the steps of the Eiffel Tower. The heat did us in though. My husband suffered temporary insanity while waiting in line for his Big Mac and melted down when he got the wrong ice cream at the foot of the Sacre Coure.

10. London, England. A few different experiences here. A night of too many cocktails at the Long Island Ice Tea Bar (perhaps an early indicator of my soon to be life without alcohol) with my sister who came to visit for reading week. Another visit with two girl friends included a very expensive cab ride to get us from the bus station to our executive apartment and to the theatre district to see Jesus Christ Superstar in time. My husband had to fend off a thug one time when he was taking my picture in Piccadilly Circus - the guy came up to him and said "give me a quid or I'll punch you in the face". Needless to say, he gave him a pound.

11. Amsterdam on Queen's Day - April 30, 1998. My husband and I booked our European adventure and randomly picked the busiest day of the year - the Queen's Day holiday - to arrive in Amsterdam. The day is celebrated with everyone selling their household junk on the streets and anything left over is just left for the city to clean up. Talk about a dirty introduction to a dirty (wink, wink) city. Thankfully we had Dutch hosts who secured a hotel for us to stay in and gave us the city tour.

12. Cook Islands, 2000. What a fantastic honeymoon. A long way from home. Sunshine. White sandy beaches. Newlyweds.

13. Las Vegas, 2005. Girls trip to Vegas. 4 days away from the responsibilities of motherhood and life. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, right?

And so begins the back talk

2007-07-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

I was getting ready to make lunch yesterday and I made my suggestion to Baby Girl.

"Would you like some ham and bread for lunch?"

"I don't want ham today", Baby Girl responded.

It was hot here and my brain was moving slow, so I was clammering to think of something else that didn't involve the stove or oven.

From the couch where Baby Girl sat slouched watching TV with her Papa, in the grumpiest, rudest voice I've heard yet comes...

"You figure it out."

Needless to say, we had a bit of a discussion about things you say and tones you use when talking to your mother.

Feeling numb

2007-07-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

So last weekend my husband got the snip. We had talked and talked about it and finally I gave him the green light. I was ready. I had convinced myself that I was ok with the prospect of no more children. The aftershock of his actually going though has been interesting. I've been moody and emotional all week. Despite knowing that we were coming to the "end" of our procreating years, there was still the secret hope that we had created something just before the lines were cut. I knew the likelihood was low, but there was still hope simmering in my heart.

I started to read into my emotions and physical state. I was tired, emotional, my back hurt....maybe even my breasts? Maybe, just maybe, a higher power had intervened over our very minimal precautions and brought about the third baby I have been carrying in my heart ever since Baby Boy was born.

Yesterday I got my period. Three days earlier than the usual 25 day cycle I'm already on. Part of me is devastated, crushed. My hopes have been officially laid to rest. Another part of me is thankful. I didn't really want to have to tell my husband that we were going to have a baby, especially after his very clear messages earlier this year that he would feel sick if we found out we were pregnant again. I feel lighter from the anxiety that was starting to form in my brain - the worries about what I was eating and drinking.

So today I feel numb. I'm neither happy or sad just numb. I think it's fair to allow myself time to grieve and mourn the things I thought I wanted - another baby moving inside me, another baby to nurture, the possibility of a sister for Baby Girl and Baby Boy. I think I'll give myself a couple of days (I've got my period, so I'm allowed to be cranky anyways, aren't I?) to say good-bye to what could have been. And after those three days, I'll remind myself of the insanity that already exists in my household with two children (the sibling wars, the preschooler attitude, the tantrum toddler) in order to see the bright side of not having to start all over again. Oh and start to focus on what lies ahead.....5 full days away in Vegas with just my husband at the beginning of September!

Anger management

2007-07-26T22:09:00.000-07:00

OK. I've been stewing for the last two days, trying to decide whether to blog about my mother. Most of it has to do with fear. Fear that she will stumble upon, or someone who knows her will stumble upon what I'm about to express. This history of our relationship has been twisted and painful over the last few years. She's gone from my good friend and confidante to just the grandmother of my children and essentially another child for whom I feel responsible. It's complicated.

Anyways, she was just here for a visit and when she left this week I was overcome with loss over how much our relationship has changed. When I look at her, I rarely see my mother, or any kind of mother in fact. I spend most of my time mothering her - mostly as a result of my father's death. This visit I was acutely aware of her lack of interest in the stresses in my life. Most of her time was spent dedicated to the grandkids, specifically Baby Girl. Now don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that they have such an amazing relationship, but deep down I guess it makes the deterioration of our relationship even harder.

So when she left, I felt emotional. First I was sad and then the anger started to brew inside me. What topped it all off was when she called later in the day, looking for my sister who was over for dinner and when I told her we were eating and would call her back, she essentially hung up on me and then turned her phone off so we couldn't reach her. I guess I'll be extra prepared for the teenage years.

So now I'm pissed. I've spent the last 24 hours angry and I hate feeling angry. When I did speak to her today she was all nonchalant about it all and when we talked about it she started to meltdown into one of her emotional breakdowns, making me feel like shit.

So my fingers are attempting to purge some anger. Angry adult daughters do not make happy mothers to small children. My poor kids have suffered today because of my mood and that just makes me more angry. I think my best option is just to "miss" some calls for the next few days. They invented call display for a reason, right?

If you are reading this post now, don't be surprised if it disappears another day. The fear...the fear....

Thursday Thirteen - 13 Things I wish I could do today

2007-07-26T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've caught on to this fun practice done by many bloggers. I've done a couple of trial runs through notes with my friends on Facebook. Here's my 13 for today....13 things I wish I could do today.

1. sleep in.....remember the days of 10am wake ups?

2. go for breakfast (mmmm, eggs benedict) and not have to share any of my food

3. go to the movies - a movie I want to see, not just whatever is playing at the one screen movie theatre here in town

4. have a conversation with any of my friends I haven't talked to in a long, long while.....several friends come immediately all come to mind - uninterrupted

5. find a way to make my son happy more than 10% of the time - you've seen the picture of his current mood

6. think of something new and exciting for me to do with my kids - I love summer, but already the beach is wearing a bit thin

7. step on the scale and see my weight 10 lbs lighter - a girl can dream, can't she?

8. open my mail and find a big unexpected cheque - spending money for our upcoming trip to Vegas

9. tell my mother off for how she hurt my feelings yesterday (and many times before that)...this one is just for my blog, since she's one of my friends on Facebook

10. find the time and motivation to tidy up some stuff that is just lying around - yes, there are still boxes from moving in April sitting in my bedroom

11. get paid for all the extra curricular work I've been going lately

12. sit at a cafe in Paris having a leisurely meal, then stroll around the city holding hands without a care in the world - ok, my dreams are getting more ambitious

13. lie down to go to bed at night and be able to fall asleep instantly - not process every thing that happened that day and is going to happen tomorrow

What do you wish you could be doing today?

Sibling highs and lows

2007-07-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today had a definite high and low.

HIGH
Baby Girl set up a "rocket ship" out on our back deck with a big blanket. The kids pulled out a million things from their rooms and were pretending to go up in the rocket. It was SOOOOOOOOOO cute to peek outside and see them snuggled up in the blanket, chattering away, Baby Girl giving instructions on what to do next. They played for ages in the backyard, just running around doing different things. Such good friends.

LOW
A scratching, pinching fight where Baby Boy actually left a claw mark (yes, I promptly trimmed his fingernails) on Baby Girl's bare chest. Lots of screaming from Baby Girl and LOTS of time to himself in his room for Baby Boy. What was it about, who actually knows...Baby Girl getting in Baby Boy's space? Baby Boy taking one of Baby Girl's toys?

Being with these kids is like being on a manic depressive rollercoaster ride, when we're up we're really, really up and when we're down, boy does it ever suck.

The Amazing Human Body

2007-07-22T00:03:00.000-07:00

Baby Boy was born missing the lower part of his left arm. I often wonder what extra lessons that Baby Boy will teach me in life. I know patience is one, but I think that is a given for any parent (especially those who are in or have passed through the todder / preschooler years). Acceptance is a big one. I am driven to find new ways all the time to teach others how to be accepting of people different than themselves. My "speech" about Baby Boy's arm has changed over the last couple of years. I'm noticing now, more than ever, that I'm having to play teacher to the outside world, especially since Baby Boy is older and running around with other kids. Some days I'm up for it and some days I'm not. Some days I can feel the stares and feel inclined to engage people in conversations and answer their questions and other days, my ears fall deaf to the questions I can hear kids asking from a distance. It makes me weary. Parenting is such a big responsibility and with Baby Boy's disability, the responsibility has multiplied and there aren't any guidebooks or "what to expect" manuals to help me along the way. I have noticed though that I have back-up in my teachings as of late. Already some of our kids' friends and parents are sharing my message with others who ask questions when I'm not close by. It filled my heart with such joy to hear a friend of Baby Girl explaining to another child at the playground the other day that Baby Boy was "born that way".

Anyways, I digress. The thing that caught me the other day while watching Baby Boy run along a path after his sister was how how amazing the human body is. I watched his little legs move and flow and his arms pump up and down beside him. There was no holding him back. His body was responding to his wish to catch up to Baby Girl. How amazing it is that our bodies just respond to synapses in our brain that we don't even feel ourselves thinking. As I watched closer, I was caught by his movements in his upper body. The way he easily picked things up and tucked one under his little arm to facilitate picking up something else. How he is able to swing his blanket around his neck with the help of his little arm. How he has figured out how to take his own shirt off by sliding the little arm out first and twisting the shirt to get it over his head. Sure, there are tasks where he asks for help. But more often than not, I don't think it's his missing hand that's holding him back, it's just his age and his tottering back and forth between being independent and wanting help.

I know there are a million more lessons ahead of me as a mother and most days I'm thankful for those lessons. I can only hope that I am as good a teacher to my kids as they are to me.

The weekend ahead

2007-07-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend is going to be a turning point for our family. My husband is officially scheduled for a vasectomy tomorrow, and so will end the children in our family. The road to this decision has been a bumpy one. There is sadness in my heart. I still could have gone for one more, would have felt more complete. The reasons are many and most of them make sense only to me, but ultimately ever since Baby Boy was born over two years ago, I've just FELT like I had another baby inside me. This spring has been difficult on our marriage as we've had lots of discussions about how we each felt. Both of us standing firm on opposite ends of the "third baby" bridge. I think both of us were trying to wait each other out, hoping the other would come around to our way of thinking. In the end, I could see that the bridge was actually more like a canyon and it was getting deeper with each conversation. I needed to look closely at the overall decision and decide between my own need for another child and the happiness of my marriage. I realized that I had decided to spend the rest of my life with my husband, not my children who, although at the moment feel like they will never leave my side, will one day pack up and take off to live a life of their own.

So tomorrow is operation day. My weekend will be spent doing what I do every day, caring for the needs and providing entertainment for my two children, while tending to the aches and pains of my husband, who will be lying on the couch watching soccer, I'm sure. As we head into this new part of our lives together, I am trying to focus on what I am thankful for, not what I think would make me happier.

I'm thankful for my husband who is wonderful in so many ways.
I'm thankful for my two beautiful children, even when they drive me insane and that they are both healthy.
I'm thankful for our small town life, the one we chose to live so we could give more of ourselves to our children.
I'm thankful for my friends, who help me talk through my sorrows.
I'm even thankful for my dog, who, despite spending the last 48 hours pacing and panting around the house because of the wind and storms in our town, is an important part of our family - my first baby, in fact.

Romance and marriage

2007-07-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it that men (or maybe it's just married men) don't catch on to the immediate benefits they can achieve by watching romantic movies with their partner?

I know that as a rule men don't like romantic comedies, romantic dramas. They'd rather watch action packed thrillers or bathroom based comedies. Don't get me wrong, I like all different types of movies. But every once in a while, it sure feels great to put in a predictable, fallin' in love romantic comedy.

Last night I realized that my husband would really get a lot (wink, wink) out of sitting through a whole romantic comedy with me. The key being that he was awake at the end of the movie. Romance gets me in the mood. It reminds me of when my husband and I were "falling in love" way back when. The moonlit walks, the sandy beaches, the stolen kisses. So it sure is disappointing to go through a whole movie and not have the happy ending sitting beside you, ready to "discuss" when the credits roll.

The Mommy Drug

2007-07-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you about my day today? I have discovered my drug of choice - time off. After four years and two months of motherhood, I have finally discovered the thing that will clear the path to some stress release. Time to myself to do what I want to do, not grocery shop or run errands.

I dropped my kids off at daycare this morning. Baby Boy only went for the morning, but what a joy to have 3.5 hours ahead of me with no commitments but to myself. So I picked up a friend and we went on an hour hike up a mountain. It's 30C+ here at the moment and we were dyin', but the 10 minutes at the top to sit and look out over the mountains and the lake and cool down was worth it. I dropped her off and went home for a nice long, uninterrupted shower and time on the computer before I picked Baby Boy up. The bonus was that I brought him home, put him down for his nap and then went out on my own AGAIN.....to have a patio lunch with ANOTHER friend, while my husband worked from home.

I felt like a real person again today. I don't what that means really, but it felt so wonderful to just move to my own drum today. I was a better mother for it when I picked Baby Girl up from daycare and had to deal with hot, tired, cranky children. Their whines and needs just rolled off my back. My refresh button had been pushed. Why didn't I figure this out sooner?

I'm THAT mother

2007-07-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on the beach we sat near a mother and her two children, a girl and boy about 6 and 4. The entire time we were at the beach this mother was yelling at her children:

"come here"
"give your brother/sister a turn"
"we're packing up and leaving"
"your behaviour is unacceptable"
"listen to me"

Part of me could feel her pain. Who knows how much time I spend every day saying the same thing to my kids....the constant disciplining and negotiating. But at the same time I was happy that, for the most part, my kids were listening to me and getting along.

And then today, the tables turned. We were at the park with another set of friends and all the kids were in deaf mode, running around, oblivious to our screams and shouts for their attention. My friend and I battled our way through lunch, hoping, pleading inside our minds that our kids would start to listen and we wouldn't be forced to lay down the law and pack up and leave. But they just wouldn't listen. They fed off of eachother, each child tempting the others to keep running. So we packed up and my daughter threw a fit. She screamed at me and marched away, growling and mumbling under her breath, a sign of the teenager to come. As we tried to herd them to the parking lot, they all took off and my loudest voice appeared, yelling my daughter's name and counting like the numbers one and two had never been counted before. Today I was THAT mother, the one that yells, the one who's children don't listen. Today it was my turn.

Searching for inspiration

2007-07-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

My fingers are quiet these days. The last little while I've felt words, stories, thoughts bubbling in my brain, aching to get out and this week I am silent. I want to write, but my brain isn't helping. Maybe it's the heat. It has been over 30C, closer to 40C for the past week. By the end of the day (when I do most of my writing) my body is exhausted from moving around in the heat. Maybe it's my whining son. I don't get it. Where did this miserable little boy come from? His tantrums, his demands, his whining persist through the day. Smiling, happy moments are rare. On a side note, when brushing his teeth tonight I noticed a molar broken through at the back - so maybe that's his problem....new teeth. Maybe it's my extracurricular workload. Lately I feel like I'm running to catch up. My volunteer work is crazy. The demands of the organization have suddenly jumped into overdrive and there is no backing off.

I'm eager for a break from reality. Last week I discovered the crack cocaine of a stay at home mother's world - time, time by myself. I had a babysitter come over for the morning so I could go out for a hike and as I backed out of the driveway I felt this rush of energy. I actually felt giddy. I had two and a half hours ahead of me with nothing to do but what I wanted to do. It felt great. It opened my eyes to what is missing in this overworked, stressed out mama's world. Time. So when my next attempt at time on Friday was stuffed with family obligations, I felt slighted, ripped off. I hope this Friday will boost me back up and help me find my words again.

Family memories

2007-07-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

We took our kids camping for the very first time this weekend. Baby Girl is four and Baby Boy is two so obviously we haven't been in a big hurry. I'm not an avid camper, so wasn't eager to pack my infants up and take them to the great outdoors where we would all get dirty and eat lukewarm food for the weekend....unlike a few friends I have who are happy to take their 4-week old baby camping. I digress. This year, we decided we were ready to start. Baby Boy is walking now and ready to run around with his sister. We have the monster 6 man tent - the one you can stand up and have a rave in, so we were set for space. The rest of the gear is pretty minimal, but we decided to hook up with a couple other families and go out together to share in meals and gear. Our ambitions were low. Our destination only 20 minutes out of town to a local family campground.

It was great. There were three families - all three with a four year old and two year old. The kids all got along well. You know, there were the odd "moments" of sharing wars or "you're not my friend anymore" but for the most part the kids played well. On more than one occasion, all six adults sat down at the picnic table and ate a meal together. We all relaxed our bedtime routines and the kids went to bed fairly easy given some extra time to run around. Once in bed, the adults reverted to our own youthful selves, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, burning large cardboard boxes, talking about who our "top three men/women to sleep with" would be. We spent hours down at the beach, playing in the sand, reading trashy magazines, cooling off in the lake. The hardest part has been coming home. We're all exhausted, dirty, hot and cranky. It's pizza for supper tonight - no meal preparation for these parents. But the cranky kids at home is well worth the weekend of fun. Camping is definitely on our family to do list now. Amazing what getting out of town only 20 minutes down the road can do for family bonding.

iPod convert

2007-07-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

My husband is a big music person. When he immigrated to Canada almost 10 years ago, he came with a couple of suitcases, a guitar and a crate of CDs. Since having children, his attention to music has slowed down. Money is spent on other things - like diapers and wipes - instead of new CDs. He used to spend lots of time getting music off the Internet until it wrecked our old computer. So last year when our friends showed off their new iPod, complete with video capabilities, my husband was hooked. He began saving and plotting how he would get his own iPod to download all his CDs in one place and start searching for new music again.

I'll admit it, I was resistant. I didn't get the benefit in spending over $300 for something when you could just pick the CDs you wanted to listen to and take them with you in the car. I made my opinion clear. But in the end, it was his bonus check and all our other "big wishes" for that year were covered, so he got an iPod, complete with speaker stand and car converter.

Well, we've had it for almost 6 months and I hate to admit that I'm converted. I love it. I was the first one to create a playlist on it. I was the one to buy a whole bunch of new music - mostly 90's dance tunes to make me feel young again. I was the one to take it on long road trips with 6 hours of music on a playlist so I didn't have to change CDs. I'm the one who happily puts it in my water belt when I go on long walks so my dance tunes can motivate me up the mountain. I'm not sure what life would be like without our iPod now. I'd certainly spend less time dancing around my kitchen with my kids to the likes of Mika and Madonna.

Moods captured on film

2007-06-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

We still live in the "film" world when it comes to taking pictures here. So there isn't the instant gratification of digital in seeing the pictures we have taken. The latest batch came back yesterday and I was pleased to find two pictures that appropriately captured the current mood of my children. These are the children that rule my world.

Crazy Baby Girl

Miserable Baby Boy

My secret wish

2007-06-27T00:09:00.000-07:00

Anyone who really knows me, knows I love to sleep. I love my bed, my duvet, a dark and quiet room. Since becoming a parent, opportunities to relish this "love" of mine have been few and far between. From a very early age, I can remember lying in my bed, listening to Baby Girl's breathing in the cradle next to me, desperate for a quiet room so I could sleep uninterrupted. Moving our kids to their own beds and own rooms was not a difficult decision for me. I was happy for some space - probably the only time of the day when I could claim freedom from my children's needs.

But deep down, there is a part of me that longs for my children to crawl into my bed and snuggle into me and fall asleep. I long to feel them curled up beside me - their little spoon tucked into my big one.

This wish always catches me when I go to bed at night and peek into their rooms before I go to sleep. They are so peaceful and serene. Their sleeping faces and crumpled pyjamas make me want to scoop them up and tuck them into my bed with me. Maybe it's a childhood thing. I can remember sneaking into my parents' room as a child to sleep with my mom. I miss not having that with my kids....and most of me knows that I'm not going to have it. I've tried sleeping with Baby Girl and the reality of it is nowhere close to the dream - there's kicking and tossing and early, early morning wake-ups.

So instead I'll just tuck it away as my secret wish and take pleasure in the cuddles on the couch instead.

The Gag Reflex

2007-06-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

I've been changing poopy diapers for over 4 years now and you would think that my nose would have adjusted to the smells. As any mother knows, changing a toddler diaper is a far more traumatic experience than a newborn diaper and Baby Boy's diapers at the moment are no exception. I've had the pleasure of babysitting my friend's kids a couple times this past week and was caught off guard by my diaper changing experience.

My question - why is one's gag reflex so much stronger when changing other children's diapers? Does one's nose actually know the smell of your own children?

Operation "Social Life" - Back on Track

2007-06-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

I've realized a very important thing about myself over the last few years - friends are important to me. Although I come from a close family of three children, my friends are very much my family. So when my husband and I decided to pack up and leave the Big City so we could downsize and allow me to stay home with Baby Girl, I had to say good-bye to a very important part of my life - my friends.

Back in the Big City we had a great group of friends. We all seemed to be moving through the same stages of life together - first we bought houses, then we got dogs, next we got married and finally we were starting to have kids. We saw each other all the time, had dinner parties, looked out for eachother. It was everything I had always wished for in an adult social life.

So moving was hard. Ultimately I knew that we would make new friends (or should I say, I would make new friends....my husband is a bit of an introvert), but it's hard to start from scratch. New friends don't hold the same comfort as old friends. Old friends KNOW you. There are things you don't have to explain. When there's a lull in the conversation, you can always revert back to "do you remember when...." conversations. You can jump immediately into a deep meaningful conversation, when you really need to talk something out.

The last three years have been slow and somewhat painful. We went through a time when I could have really used that support circle of friends - we had our second child, who was born with a disability we weren't expecting. I've been lonely. But slowly I've started to make some friends. With time and perseverance (I'm one of those extroverted friends that Bub and Pie talked about here), I've found some wonderful friends. This summer I feel like I have friends that I could call anytime to get together, not feel like I have to make plans weeks in advance to fit into each other's schedules. I like the feeling that we can go to the playground and know that we'll probably run into someone we know. We're doing things in the community that shows we are here to stay.

Tonight we hosted our first summer BBQ at our new house with some new friends and it felt so good to sit and talk while our kids ran around in the yard playing together. Tonight I felt like my hopes for our adult social life are back on track.

Two Strikes

2007-06-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today I have been the mother than other mothers compare themselves against and feel better about themselves. I'm tired and my defenses are down at the moment. I'm battling yet another sore throat / cough (side note - I've finally made an appointment to see an ENT next month), I'm not sleeping well (cough, snoring husband, pacing dog) and I'm trying to motivate myself to get out and exercise, with all attempts leading back to some form of chocolate.

Anyways, my day started early. Baby Girl found me sleeping on the couch at 6.30am after another restless night of sleep. I was desperate to catch some more zzz's so after several failed attempts to get her to stay in her room and play quietly for another hour, and the subsequent waking of Baby Boy, I asked her to bring me the clicker to show her how to turn on the TV for some morning Treehouse. My girlfriend phoned at 8.30am and said "it sounds like you're still in bed" to which I answered "I am, but I'm awake". Our conversation of course led to her asking how I manage to stay in bed so long with a 4 and 2 year old running around the house, to which I answered that they were watching TV. Strike One.

After my lazy start to the morning, I finally get the kids organized and Baby Girl off to daycare (45 minutes late, but just in time for snack....a very important part of the day for her). I pick up some snacks in town for Baby Boy and me and head down to the beach to meet the same friend I talked to earlier and another friend. My snack shopping included a dark chocolate and pear brioche (yum!) from the french bakery in town and as I bought it, I tried to figure out how I was going to manage to eat it myself without having to share it with Baby Boy. It had hazelnuts in it and I'm still a bit leery of nuts for him. My solution......during our next stop at Safeway, I bought him a honey glazed donut to eat. So down to the beach we go and of course he starts asking for his donut. As he's sat on our blanket munching away, my friends smile and proceed to pull out their kids' snacks - avocado and cucumber. Strike Two. (Side note - I did have a very healthy lunch packed - boiled egg, crackers, nectarine, in the event we stayed at the park long enough to eat lunch.)

Not a particularly great start to today, but right now it doesn't bother me. Some days are doing what it takes to get through the day and both of my strikes made for happy children. We're told to pick our battles as parents and today I just wasn't up for a pestering preschooler at the beginning of the day or a tantruming toddler. I promise to try harder another day.

Eating woes

2007-06-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

So I was reading a blog over at Cheaty Monkey all about Haley-O being excited about her daughter finally eating. It must be nerve racking to watch your child all day long, picking away at his/her food, wondering if they are consuming enough calories. I have a friend with two kids who are like that. They pick and pick at their food. Snacks are available all day, anytime, in hopes that they will eat.

I, on the other hand, have the opposite problem and I swear, somedays, it's going to drive me to drink (a habit I sadly gave up years ago). My kids want to eat ALL THE TIME. We eat a good breakfast here. I remind them that this is all there is until lunch and they look at me and say they're all done. As soon as we get into the car to go into town for our morning activity, they start asking. Baby Boy says it as soon as you plant his bum in his car seat. "I want en-ga (his toddler word for food)". We go to the park. Baby Boy doesn't play - he just eats. We sit on the park bench for hours, just snacking away on whatever I have in the backpack. Sometimes I only bring one snack - a fruit bar or fish crackers, and he has an absolute meltdown if there's not more to eat. If we have friends at the park, they want to eat their snack too. I often question why we even go to the park, when we could have very happily just stayed home and ate all morning.

I honestly believe that food is one of the hardest parts of being a mother for me. It feels like that's what I spend the majority of my day doing - making food, thinking about food, cleaning up food. I hate thinking about what to make for meals. I wonder if my kids get sick of eating the same things over and over again, but I just can't find more exciting things to make. And when I do finally get some inspiration, they don't eat. What's up with that?

So for all the parents out there that worry about whether their kids are eating enough, know that on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are parents with non-stop eaters having our own frustrations with the never ending requests.

Therapy required - all thanks to Facebook

2007-06-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm a Facebook addict. I'll openly admit that I check my Facebook many times a day in hopes that someone has sent me a message or posted something fun for me to look at from their life. I'm sure it's a sign of my disconnect from the real world, being here at home with my two kids. So far, I've only connected with my current circle of friends - people who have been part of my life in the last 10 years. It's fun to feel like they are more part of my day-to-day world, when most of them live so far away.

One exception to my list of Facebook friends is a friend that I went to junior high and high school with that I fell out of touch with and am happy to be reconnected. The problem is she sent me a link to a "group" for people who went to our junior high. So now part of my regular Facebook routine is to look at who has joined that group, mostly out of curiosity. It's natural to want to see what the people who haunted my early teens look like now and see who they are still friends with. And that's exactly what I did the other night. I started clicking on people and digging down to see who is still friends with who and who has joined Facebook. It shouldn't have come as much surprise that I started to find ex-boyfriends (ok, this one's from high school, I was never cool enough to have a boyfriend in junior high) and ex-friends. What did surprise me was the sudden wave of anxiety that washed over me as I looked at these people. Memories came flooding back. Memories of the horrible mind games that teenage girls play on one another in junior high. It was difficult for me to look at some people and despite knowing full well that they are adults now and probably very nice people, I felt angry towards them. I felt angry at the sudden dip in my self-esteem, just from looking at their picture.

So I'm going to stop searching for people that I used to know. I know that I would never instigate a connection with them. The shy part of me thinks "would they even remember me". The grown-up, get a hold of yourself part of me thinks "who really cares". What really scares me is what lies ahead for my children, especially my daughter. Although we're still almost a decade away from junior high, I worry about her and I worry about me, how I'll react to her junior high experience. Best to remain focused in the present - the demands of being four and two - instead of reliving the past and worrying about the future.

Quiet Time Regained & Things That Confirm My Kids are Mine

2007-06-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Wow - November. Has it really been that long since I blogged? My new addiction is Facebook - like so many others I know and my words have been falling to the Notes of Facebook instead of on a blog. It's felt good to get my fingers back on the keyboard, typing away the random thoughts of a 30-something, mother of two, looking for an outlet. So I've recaptured my Blogger account, decided to stay with my Quiet Time Musings and made a commitment to myself to write something down more often. The stories in my head are bubbling around and are aching to be heard. So here goes.....today's random thoughts...

Things about my kids that confirms they are mine.

Baby Girl
1. She loves movies. I tried so hard at the beginning to keep her from watching lots of TV and she was doing great until Fraser arrived. Slowly over time her tastes have evolved from kids shows to kids movies. She LOVES them and can watch them over and over again. I should have known. I can't get enough of movies either.

2. She has a terrible sense of dress sense. I've never been known for my cutting edge fashion sense and Baby Girl is no different. She is more than happy to create a mis-matched ensemble of clothing for herself every day. Doesn't really bother me - as long as she's happy!

3. She loves to dance. Ever since she saw 'Happy Feet', the movie this winter, Baby Girl has caught dancing fever. She proudly shows off her happy feet dance to anyone who will watch. She's recently picked up some Hawaiian dance moves from watching "Lilo and Stitch" that she's incorporated into her dance act. Just think how she'll react one day when I tell her that I too was an avid dancer in my younger years, gracing the speakers of Whistler nightclubs.

Baby Boy
1. He loves his bed. When you tuck him in at night, he snuggles right down into his pillow, grabs his blanket and pulls it up to his neck and snuggles in for the night.

2. He loves chocolate. Baby Girl loves sweets too, but Baby Boy is especially unsatiable when it comes to chocolate. He asks for it at home. He runs to it at the store. Given the choice at Dairy Queen between a strawberry and chocolate sundae - he ALWAYS chooses chocolate.

3. He has a killer pout. In the last month or so, he's learned to stick his bottom lip out, drop his chin and hunch is shoulders in the biggest pout I've ever seen. According to sources (his Grandma Lady) he's just like I was when I was little. I wish I had matching pictures to prove it.

Return to blogging

2006-11-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

Wow - a whole month has passed without some quiet time musings. Where does time go? I guess a trip out of town throws your whole routine out of whack. I can't believe it is now November, that snow is starting to fall, that my son is finally walking (19 months!) and that Christmas is around the corner.

Things are pretty good these days. The fall routine is working well with playdates and playgroups. We manage to find things to keep us busy every day and on days when nothing is planned, it doesn't take long before my daughter asks "where are we going today mommy?"....so home time is definitely out of the question.

With November comes grey skies where I live, so some days my mood is low and irritable children make my mood worse, but what can you do. I've found an outlet to volunteer and get involved with some "adult activities" which is nice, but of course adds another layer of things to do and stress to my busy days. My exercise and eating regime has fallen completely off and I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I'm demotivated by my husband who is also not the most healthy eater - my problem is sweets, his problem is beer.....so I persist with my vices.

Exciting days ahead this weekend though - a girls retreat with two of my closest pals from the big city. We're meeting somewhere in the middle for a weekend away. I'm looking forward to sleeping, eating and of course a visit to the spa and 48+ hours of time away from it all. I love my family, but sometimes a girl needs a break. I'm even looking forward to the 4 hour drive there and back - time to listen to my favorite tunes and not have to play mommy. I'm hoping to come back refreshed and ready to take on the task that is Christmas. It will be a big one this year as my daughter is now 3.5 and fully engaged in the Santa thing....we've been hearing for months already what she wants from Santa. It's been a good time to introduce the fact that Santa only brings ONE present for each boy and girl. It's hard to not get excited myself though. There are so many things that I would love to buy for both my kids, because ultimately I love making them happy.

Cold feet, shifting priorities

2006-10-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

Well, Fall has definitely arrived. I feel the cold air in my house when I roll out of bed in the mornings. We only have electric baseboard heating so you walk from warm pocket to warm pocket as you move between rooms. The hallways are always cold. I try to bundle up and keep warm, but my feet and fingers always seem to feel like they are encased in little blocks of ice. Luckily the sun continues to shine. I know the end is near and that soon we will be engulfed with the grey low clouds that late fall and winter bring. We spent a splendid morning down at the park today...walking through big piles of fallen maple leaves and stopping every three steps to squat down and look at things on the ground. It amazes me how quickly I have forgotten about the stages of toddlerhood. I've been consumed by my oldest's development and am almost startled by the things that my youngest is starting to do. He still needs my hand to walk around, but all he wants to do now is walk. A five minute trip now takes 20 minutes as we stop to look at everything and there is invariably a tussle between us to decide which way we are going.

I've been trying hard this last week or so to let myself go and become more present in the day. Stop thinking so far ahead and just let myself enjoy the moments I am living with my children. Already I am overwhelmed by how grown up my daughter is, and she's only 3. I feel like childhood has passed me by already and then have to pinch myself to remind me that my son is still only 18 months, that there is still lots of childhood to enjoy. I can already feel myself letting go of ambitions for a bigger family. Rational thought has begun to seep into my brain and quash the desire for a third and final child. Fear works wonders on big ideas - a friend had a miscarriage this week and I find myself asking whether I want to live with that possibility. The yearning still lives inside me, but its voice is growing fainter as the days pass. I'm working hard to shift my "planning brain" to activities with the two beautiful children we already have......Christmas, a trip to visit the Grandparents in the new year, new activities for me. The process is slow, but it is happening. A trip to the big city next week will help....time to shop and load up on new winter clothes to help keep us warm.

Sunny day, moody children

2006-10-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

The full moon is definitely making its way through my household. Today is Saturday, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful fall day and all my kids want to do is stay inside and be grumpy. I want to be outside, moving in the fresh air and sunshine. I know our days of sunshine are numbered as the days are growing shorter and the snow is soon approaching. But NO, they want to be grumpy....so it's off to bed for them and alone for me. My husband is fishing all weekend....it's Canadian Thanksgiving - a weekend to spend together, but instead today is like all others, a day of managing my children on my own....and they're grumpy. It's so hard to put on a happy mommy face when every effort is destroyed with crankiness and misery. Someone give me strength to be patient and keep trying......

So it's off to the kitchen I go to make cookies........cookies always make children (and mommies) happier, don't they? Or maybe a quick snooze on the couch first!

Sick days

2006-10-04T15:44:00.000-07:00

How is it that somehow a migraine headache that is in its third day has to be endured to continue with my stay at home mother duties, while a case of the chills and aches allows for a return from work and a trip to bed for an afternoon nap?

How is it that when you are feeling the most lousy, your kids seem to be the most challenging and frustrating? Oh and refuse to nap?

Frustrations.........

2006-10-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, this week I've encountered a few frustrations.........

#1 is definitely my internet. I've tried on several occasions to make a post and my internet has conked out and I've lost everything that I just spent time typing. Argh.....and some of my thoughts were happy thoughts. We've had beautiful weather in the mountains this week and I've been reminded of how much I LOVE the fall - the return of warm clothing without jackets!

Next is dog hair. I love my dog, really I do, but I do hate having to vacuum EVERY SINGLE day. To make it worse, because my brother's dog is here too, the dog hair quotient is double....make it triple because he has a long-haired dog. I really wish I could find the soft spot that I know is lingering somewhere deep in my heart for my dog. She was my "first baby" and now I routinely question her value in my life....poor thing. If she could just stop shedding, barking, freaking out in wind storms, I think our relationship would be a much happier one.

Next is dishes. Oh how I long for a dishwasher. Just when I think the dishes are done, there's always a new load piling up on the counter. Maybe this just goes hand in hand with my frustration around meal preparation. I really hate having to constantly think about what we're going to eat next.....and trying to be the good mother and provide healthy choices. I've got to tell you, with my husband away on business this past week, we've really enjoyed a lazy mother cooking week with lots of take out lunches. In an attempt to redeem myself to myself, I finally took out a membership at our local community food coop to try and start looking for some healthy snack alternatives. We'll see how it goes.

And finally TV. I'm seduced and addicted by TV, once again. I hate Fridays and Saturdays because there's nothing on and movies these days are horribly bad - never mind the fact that I live in a one screen theatre community where the owner chooses the WORST movies of those available. I wish I could tear myself away, but evening TV really makes life seem better......I can finally understand how my mother got sucked in to the daytime soaps when we were kids. It feels good to escape so I guess TV isn't really a frustration, it's just a guilty pleasure that feels like a dirty secret.

Teaching the faith

2006-09-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

A long walk in the woods today with two friends and their toddlers led to an interesting discussion. We talked about death - where do we go from here and faith. The death part, I don't think about much. Being in my thirties, maybe I still feel a bit invincible. Although the last decade has produced many encounters with death (my grandparents, my father, a close family friend), I still don't feel close to it. I haven't thought about where I think I will go from here. I believe in heaven but find it hard to picture and describe. The faith part is a different story. Ever since the birth of my daughter, I've felt obligated to think more about what I "believe". Raised a Catholic, I fell back into the rituals and belief of Catholicism, but have over the past couple of years become disillusioned by the Catholic faith. I feel an obligation to my children and to myself to define what I believe and to be able to lead them on a path of spirituality, but I am conflicted. I feel held back sometimes by my Catholic roots and although I don't denounce the church (I still go to church on a somewhat regular basis), I feel guilty for not believing everything that the church says I should.

So on top of all the ordinary every day things that occupy my brain.....what to eat for dinner, when to clean the house, how much TV to let my kids watch, etc, etc.....I am lost on the path of faith. I wish there was a more clear path ahead of me. As my children's guide, I want to be strong in what I believe, even though ultimately I will leave them to choose their own beliefs one day. But the path is foggy and I'm not sure how to step forward to find my way. Interesting things to ponder....definitely quiet time musings.

Nap guilt

2006-09-20T14:38:00.000-07:00

It's funny. I am a "professional sleeper". I love to sleep. I've always loved to sleep. My husband used to be an early riser before he met me and now he loves to sleep. Some people can't nap. But me? I'd nap every day if I could. Nothing better than snuggling down in your bed for an hour in the middle of the afternoon. Even better when my husband is with me. The bed warms up faster.

So here I find myself in a conundrum. As a stay at home mother of two, I have the luxury of being able to, on occasion, have an afternoon nap. Granted since the arrival of my son, the days that an opportunity presents itself are few and far between, but still, I can nap more often than most of my friends who work all day. And I do. My couch is my biggest vice. My body sugar dips in the afternoon and so in order to stay out of the kitchen where I'd just snack for an hour, I snuggle up on the couch with the pink and blue afghan that my mother made me and sleep until I hear the rustle of children through the baby monitor. My oldest can get up on her own now and will often come upstairs and wake me up. But I digress. My conundrum is the guilt I feel when I nap. I feel guilty that I'm not washing dishes or cleaning bathrooms or folding laundry. I feel guilty that my husband is out working all day (even though he invariably falls asleep on the couch at 8:30pm every night). I feel guilty that I'm stealing away, pampering myself, when my friends who HAVE to work don't get the chance to nap. So then the nap feels wrong. Guilt is a heavy feeling.

But I was talking to another friend last night about my "secret naps" and now I'm feeling less guilty. Why is it that I should feel guilty about something as insignificant as napping when hey, this is MY life. I only get one shot at it, so why shouldn't I do whatever I feel like doing in the afternoon when an hour presents itself where I don't have to jump to attention to attend to the needs of my two small children? I work hard the rest of the day. I'm up early, making food, entertaining children, keeping the house running. What's wrong with treating myself when I can? And with a nap! There's no calories in a nap. In fact, sleep can make you healthier....a well rested mother is a happier mother.

So from here forward, I promise to nap when I can. It's my life, my body. I'll do what I feel like. But maybe I just won't tell everyone about it.

My dog is driving me crazy

2006-09-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I can spend all day with two young children, who constantly try my patience with their neverending requests and constant squabbling, yet it is my DOG that makes me want to jump off the bridge?! I hate to say it, but I wonder on too frequent of a basis why we have a dog. She is neurotic. She's afraid of the wind. She's afraid of being alone. She sleeps all day while we're moving around the house and then as soon as we go to bed, she paces the house, knocking baby gates down, trying to get herself closer to a bedroom door where she must feel safe. I try putting her outside, out of my way, and she just barks which drives me mental too. Never have I had such an urge to kick something....but I don't. I yell alot, but I don't kick. I'm sure I am far from a good role model for my children, but this dog is driving me insane. Maybe it's the fact that you can't rationalize with a dog. Sure toddlers aren't capable of rationalization either, but preschoolers are on some kind of level. Atleast with kids you can bribe them with treats when desperate. Don't get me wrong, I would never hurt or give up our dog, but wow, does she make me mad these days.

Monday blues

2006-09-11T14:03:00.000-07:00

OK, today's September 11th - that's a reason for historic blues to even get the day started. But here's why I'm feeling blue today

1. It's Monday
2. I spent all weekend with JUST my husband, no kids, no live-in siblings, no dogs. Just the two of us for 48 hours. The sun shone, we slept, we had sex, we talked. So I'm coming down off that high.
3. I got my period....nothing more to say, otherthan.....
4. I secretly had hoped that I might be pregnant. Highly unlikely, but like every month that passes, I secretly hope. And so obviously I'm not.
5. We had a big talk this weekend about baby #3 and things aren't looking good in my camp. Outside a miracle, meaning an "oops how did that happen", my husband is not interested in having a third......so I'm devastated. Trying hard not to be, but I am. In fact, I don't even want to let my mind wander in that direction for fear of the true "blues" that might erupt.
6. Started swimming lessons with my daughter today and it SUCKED. She's three and I thought she'd be ok for the teacher only lessons. I was wrong. She cried and clung to my leg for the entire 1/2 hour......now what am I going to do for the next 9 lessons?
7. My mother was here and is gone. Way too many details to explain why this gives me the blues but today I feel extra sad.
8. My sister is gone for three weeks on holiday and when she gets back she only has one month left in her mat leave.....I miss her.
9. My son, who is finally on the cusp of walking, has a mystery leg injury. He won't walk, won't scoot (he doesn't crawl), won't even put weight on his leg. Poor guy is miserable.

Wow, what a list. Let's try and think of some things to boost my spirits.
1. Fall TV is starting this week. Pathetic, I know that I'm excited about the new season of TV, but I'm desperate for escape into the lives of surgical interns and castaways. Even some of the new shows look interesting....like I need MORE TV to be addicted to.
2. It's fall.....summer is over and there are things to do now with my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love the summer and going to the beach and the park, but I'm ready for some place to go where there is more to do than push swings and catch kids on slides....oh and clean sand out of bum cracks.

Not many but a couple to keep me going. Just need to make it through the day....tomorrow will be better, I'm sure.

10 pounds down, 10 to go

2006-09-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

Body image after a baby sure is tough. After having two babies within a couple of years, my body is all out of sorts. I tried hard between number one and two to lose the weight but returning to work, and getting pregnant so quickly made it difficult. After number two, I have been determined to get back on track. I lost a ton of weight after number two was born and then stalled.....unable to lose a pound until this summer. I know that food is my enemy. I seem to be able to get into the swing of exercising ok - we live at the top of a VERY big hill so walking is a great exercise as I have to go down and then back up again. But retraining myself to eat again has been hard. Being pregnant and breastfeeding boosts your appetite. You have to eat for energy and suddenly you can eat these huge portion sizes. It's been hard to par down the portion size and still come away satisfied.

But the effort has paid off. I paid close attention and was able to shed 10 pounds. I'm weighing less than when I started with number two so now my goal is another 10 pounds to put me lower than when I started on this baby making journey. I feel better, for sure, but my energy still sags in the afternoon. Part of me knows I need to eat more - just smaller amounts to get me through my quiet time rut. The couch tends to call out to me and so to avoid spending time eating in the kitchen I head for the couch for a sleep. Not very productive for getting chores done around the house.

My poor little klingon

2006-08-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

So my oldest looks like a Klingon out of Star Trek today. We had a total "bad mommy" moment the other day when we were grocery shopping and she managed to flip herself out of the grocery cart and land on her forehead. Talk about "things that can happen in the blink of an eye". All I did was turn around to get the milk out of the fridge and BANG there she was lying on the ground, face down, SCREAMING!

Luckily she was ok, but wow does she ever have a huge goose egg on her forehead. It appeared almost instantly and freaked everyone out. By the time we made it home, dropped off the boy with his Papa and made it to the hospital to get her checked out, she had almost fully recovered. No signs of a concussion, thank goodness. So now we just get to spend the next few days watching the fluid from her egg make its way down her face, changing her appearance on a daily basis.

Is this a moment in parenting where you take pictures to remember the bad times and the good ones?

I'm sure my feelings of "bad mother-ness" will take longer to heal than her actual wounds. She's actually talking about the event with pride in her voice now.

You know you're a mom when....

2006-08-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

you spend your afternoon quiet time making a broccoli salad to take to the daycare summer BBQ.

What to eat?

2006-08-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

Have I ever mentioned that the part of domestic life that drives me crazy is having to constantly think of what to eat? It seems like my day is filled with meal-making and I hate having to constantly think of something healthy and nutritious to eat, that both kids can have. And then, the kicker is thinking of something to eat for me and my husband. Adventurous in the kitchen, I am not and so meals get pretty boring around here. Even worse is when I'm hungry (like now) and trying to think of what to eat.

Where is the kitchen fairy who will conjure up delicious meals and clean up afterwards?

Third child contemplation

2006-08-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

I must be a lunatic for wanting a third child. Some days I wonder how I make it through the day surviving with the two that I have already. This preschooler vs toddler age is brutal. Tantrums, fighting, screaming.......my blood seems to be on a constant low boil. My throat is sore at the end of the day from yelling - stop, don't do that, do this, come here, PLEASE share. Adding another one to the mix? What am I crazy? Then I'd have this ongoing battle PLUS the non-stop needs of a newborn and then when the third one gets old enough, there will be a battle of three wills, not just two.

But I try to see longer term. These early years are the most in your face, moment to moment challenging, I think. When they get older, sure there will be new challenges - attitudes, yelling for different reasons, but they'll be more independent. There are moments now when I look at my oldest and can't believe how big she is already and that my "baby" has slipped away. There is part of me that doesn't want this stage to be over. The "firsts" and the "new developments". There is a constant ache in my belly for something more. Can I ignore that ache? Can I impose MY will on my husband, who doesn't want another? Who gets to come away feeling disappointed - him for taking on another child or me for NOT getting to have another child? Who would regret their decision more? How will either decision affect our marriage?

I think about these things ALL the time now. It consumes me, at the moment. The future is uncertain and I'm too much of a planner to not want to know what happens next. I don't need to get pregnant now - I just want to know whether that is the path in front of us or not. My mind is tired of standing at the crossroads, looking at the fork in the road.

A new use for quiet time

2006-08-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well here it is, my new use for quiet time. As a mother of two small children, we have fallen into a pretty predictable routine that mostly consists of feeding, entertaining and sleeping. I'm looking for something to fill the void when the children sleep in the afternoon - their "quiet time". I walk around with deep thoughts racing through my brain and no place or time to put them to paper. So this will be my paper, a place to come to when something grabs me and screams to be written. It's not so much a place to share these thoughts with others, but a place to make my thoughts real, share them with myself. It's a place for raw, unedited thoughts. A place to dump my take on that day - positive or negative. A place to complain. A place to rejoice. A place to scream. A secret place.....a place to find myself.