M.I.A

November 13th - that's what my dashboard says is the last time I posted. How can so much time have passed? I know, I went away to the big city and coming back from a trip, any kind of trip, always throws things out of whack. The duffel bag sits on my bedroom floor for days, waiting to be unpacked and laundry done. My email (although much smaller in number as of late) needs to be caught up on. The business of life kicks back in and I'm pushed running from activity to activity, trying to keep my children entertained and my sanity level calm.

So here we are in December. I know what else has occupied my time. My new Mexico goal. I returned from the big city with a big aspiration - lose weight and start to get fit. With our trip to an adult-only inclusive resort in Mexico in January, I felt compelled to finally get off my ass and start to remove some of this baby-fat inner tube that lives around my waist. And so far, so good. I've even recruited my husband to join me in my / our efforts. I've joined Weight Watchers online and so have been obsessed for the last 14 days with counting points and going to the gym. The gym part is the fun stuff. I'm totally addicted. I feel like I want to go every day, even though my poor child rearing body screams at me halfway through a class, reminding me that I am NOT in shape and that I do NOT have any core strength. But afterwards, I feel good.

I'm also starting to feel the wave of anxiety rushing towards me over the arrival of my mother tomorrow. My sister is due to pop any day now with her second baby and so our mother is arriving to help with her toddler. Her arrival means the deep rooted anger and sadness that I feel over our flailing relationship is brought bubbling to the surface. I've spent many nights already working through the tears over where things are at and trying to determine how to handle things this time around. I know it will be the same - I'll pretend everything is ok and she will disappoint me again. Such is life.

I'm also frustrated with my kids these days. No longer are they these little cherubs who make cute baby mistakes that you can chalk up to stage of development. I'm constantly struggling with my daughter's selfishness and will to "not share". My son spends his days angry and therefore spends lots of time in his room working through that anger until he can stop hitting or pinching. They're wearing me down and I'm starting to take their behaviour personally. All the reading I do at night tells me it's not my fault, but deep down I feel like somewhere along the way I've failed.

So you can see that my time has been occupied. My mind is a constant war zone of anxiety...and Christmas is just around the corner. At least the trips to the gym are helping to relieve some of the stress and there's always Mexico to look forward to.