Third child contemplation

I must be a lunatic for wanting a third child. Some days I wonder how I make it through the day surviving with the two that I have already. This preschooler vs toddler age is brutal. Tantrums, fighting, screaming.......my blood seems to be on a constant low boil. My throat is sore at the end of the day from yelling - stop, don't do that, do this, come here, PLEASE share. Adding another one to the mix? What am I crazy? Then I'd have this ongoing battle PLUS the non-stop needs of a newborn and then when the third one gets old enough, there will be a battle of three wills, not just two.

But I try to see longer term. These early years are the most in your face, moment to moment challenging, I think. When they get older, sure there will be new challenges - attitudes, yelling for different reasons, but they'll be more independent. There are moments now when I look at my oldest and can't believe how big she is already and that my "baby" has slipped away. There is part of me that doesn't want this stage to be over. The "firsts" and the "new developments". There is a constant ache in my belly for something more. Can I ignore that ache? Can I impose MY will on my husband, who doesn't want another? Who gets to come away feeling disappointed - him for taking on another child or me for NOT getting to have another child? Who would regret their decision more? How will either decision affect our marriage?

I think about these things ALL the time now. It consumes me, at the moment. The future is uncertain and I'm too much of a planner to not want to know what happens next. I don't need to get pregnant now - I just want to know whether that is the path in front of us or not. My mind is tired of standing at the crossroads, looking at the fork in the road.