Cold feet, shifting priorities

Well, Fall has definitely arrived. I feel the cold air in my house when I roll out of bed in the mornings. We only have electric baseboard heating so you walk from warm pocket to warm pocket as you move between rooms. The hallways are always cold. I try to bundle up and keep warm, but my feet and fingers always seem to feel like they are encased in little blocks of ice. Luckily the sun continues to shine. I know the end is near and that soon we will be engulfed with the grey low clouds that late fall and winter bring. We spent a splendid morning down at the park today...walking through big piles of fallen maple leaves and stopping every three steps to squat down and look at things on the ground. It amazes me how quickly I have forgotten about the stages of toddlerhood. I've been consumed by my oldest's development and am almost startled by the things that my youngest is starting to do. He still needs my hand to walk around, but all he wants to do now is walk. A five minute trip now takes 20 minutes as we stop to look at everything and there is invariably a tussle between us to decide which way we are going.

I've been trying hard this last week or so to let myself go and become more present in the day. Stop thinking so far ahead and just let myself enjoy the moments I am living with my children. Already I am overwhelmed by how grown up my daughter is, and she's only 3. I feel like childhood has passed me by already and then have to pinch myself to remind me that my son is still only 18 months, that there is still lots of childhood to enjoy. I can already feel myself letting go of ambitions for a bigger family. Rational thought has begun to seep into my brain and quash the desire for a third and final child. Fear works wonders on big ideas - a friend had a miscarriage this week and I find myself asking whether I want to live with that possibility. The yearning still lives inside me, but its voice is growing fainter as the days pass. I'm working hard to shift my "planning brain" to activities with the two beautiful children we already have......Christmas, a trip to visit the Grandparents in the new year, new activities for me. The process is slow, but it is happening. A trip to the big city next week will help....time to shop and load up on new winter clothes to help keep us warm.