Anger management

OK. I've been stewing for the last two days, trying to decide whether to blog about my mother. Most of it has to do with fear. Fear that she will stumble upon, or someone who knows her will stumble upon what I'm about to express. This history of our relationship has been twisted and painful over the last few years. She's gone from my good friend and confidante to just the grandmother of my children and essentially another child for whom I feel responsible. It's complicated.

Anyways, she was just here for a visit and when she left this week I was overcome with loss over how much our relationship has changed. When I look at her, I rarely see my mother, or any kind of mother in fact. I spend most of my time mothering her - mostly as a result of my father's death. This visit I was acutely aware of her lack of interest in the stresses in my life. Most of her time was spent dedicated to the grandkids, specifically Baby Girl. Now don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that they have such an amazing relationship, but deep down I guess it makes the deterioration of our relationship even harder.

So when she left, I felt emotional. First I was sad and then the anger started to brew inside me. What topped it all off was when she called later in the day, looking for my sister who was over for dinner and when I told her we were eating and would call her back, she essentially hung up on me and then turned her phone off so we couldn't reach her. I guess I'll be extra prepared for the teenage years.

So now I'm pissed. I've spent the last 24 hours angry and I hate feeling angry. When I did speak to her today she was all nonchalant about it all and when we talked about it she started to meltdown into one of her emotional breakdowns, making me feel like shit.

So my fingers are attempting to purge some anger. Angry adult daughters do not make happy mothers to small children. My poor kids have suffered today because of my mood and that just makes me more angry. I think my best option is just to "miss" some calls for the next few days. They invented call display for a reason, right?

If you are reading this post now, don't be surprised if it disappears another day. The fear...the fear....