Feeling numb

So last weekend my husband got the snip. We had talked and talked about it and finally I gave him the green light. I was ready. I had convinced myself that I was ok with the prospect of no more children. The aftershock of his actually going though has been interesting. I've been moody and emotional all week. Despite knowing that we were coming to the "end" of our procreating years, there was still the secret hope that we had created something just before the lines were cut. I knew the likelihood was low, but there was still hope simmering in my heart.

I started to read into my emotions and physical state. I was tired, emotional, my back hurt....maybe even my breasts? Maybe, just maybe, a higher power had intervened over our very minimal precautions and brought about the third baby I have been carrying in my heart ever since Baby Boy was born.

Yesterday I got my period. Three days earlier than the usual 25 day cycle I'm already on. Part of me is devastated, crushed. My hopes have been officially laid to rest. Another part of me is thankful. I didn't really want to have to tell my husband that we were going to have a baby, especially after his very clear messages earlier this year that he would feel sick if we found out we were pregnant again. I feel lighter from the anxiety that was starting to form in my brain - the worries about what I was eating and drinking.

So today I feel numb. I'm neither happy or sad just numb. I think it's fair to allow myself time to grieve and mourn the things I thought I wanted - another baby moving inside me, another baby to nurture, the possibility of a sister for Baby Girl and Baby Boy. I think I'll give myself a couple of days (I've got my period, so I'm allowed to be cranky anyways, aren't I?) to say good-bye to what could have been. And after those three days, I'll remind myself of the insanity that already exists in my household with two children (the sibling wars, the preschooler attitude, the tantrum toddler) in order to see the bright side of not having to start all over again. Oh and start to focus on what lies ahead.....5 full days away in Vegas with just my husband at the beginning of September!