Life at the bottom of a well

Here I sit, at the bottom of a well. Or at least that's what it feels like. A whole month has passed since I blogged. My mind is a muddle. My emotions are flaring. My mood is erratic. Somehow I managed to go away on retreat, then take a long overdue holiday with JUST my husband and then came back to spiral down into burnout. I've never felt this way before. Completely spent, totally exhausted, utterly confused.

I came to the realization last week that something needed to change. Last year I joined the volunteer board of a local organization and it has in two rapid jumps become a full-time job. For the last 8 weeks (save the retreat and holiday time) I have been clocking close to 50 hours a week for this organization....AS A VOLUNTEER. We've been in a state of crisis and with me being the only person at home full-time, and with my ridiculous work ethic, I managed to take on the majority of the work to get things back on track. I've been so caught up in it that I couldn't see my children suffering, my husband getting frustrated or myself getting sick. But in finally seeing all that, I felt helpless to push back. Until last Tuesday, when I finally said the words out loud. "I've had enough, I need to stop." And so now the process is underway for me to let go and walk away.

It's been a long hard year as I look back. I've spent all of it, giving my energy to someone else's problems. First I managed my mother's affairs as she sold, packed up and moved. Then it was the drama that is this volunteer work. I lost focus on the reason that we chose to downsize and live a simpler life - so that I could focus on my children and my family. My kids are four and two now and are finally at a place where I can step back and reclaim some time for myself. My dopamine levels are low. I need to find something to kick start the happy in my head and body again. But when you're sitting at the bottom of the well, looking up the long narrow walls to the tiny light at the top, it's hard to see the stones that are sticking out to help you climb your way back up.

I know what I need, it's just finding the energy to do it. I need to exercise. I need to write. I need to reconnect with my children and get down on the floor and play again, instead of talk to them over my shoulder from the computer desk. I need to spend time with my husband. I need to spend time with my friends. I need to stop mourning a baby that I'll never have.

Luckily, it's Thursday night and the dopamine-inducing Grey's Anatomy is on. Small steps....small steps.