Teaching the faith

A long walk in the woods today with two friends and their toddlers led to an interesting discussion. We talked about death - where do we go from here and faith. The death part, I don't think about much. Being in my thirties, maybe I still feel a bit invincible. Although the last decade has produced many encounters with death (my grandparents, my father, a close family friend), I still don't feel close to it. I haven't thought about where I think I will go from here. I believe in heaven but find it hard to picture and describe. The faith part is a different story. Ever since the birth of my daughter, I've felt obligated to think more about what I "believe". Raised a Catholic, I fell back into the rituals and belief of Catholicism, but have over the past couple of years become disillusioned by the Catholic faith. I feel an obligation to my children and to myself to define what I believe and to be able to lead them on a path of spirituality, but I am conflicted. I feel held back sometimes by my Catholic roots and although I don't denounce the church (I still go to church on a somewhat regular basis), I feel guilty for not believing everything that the church says I should.

So on top of all the ordinary every day things that occupy my brain.....what to eat for dinner, when to clean the house, how much TV to let my kids watch, etc, etc.....I am lost on the path of faith. I wish there was a more clear path ahead of me. As my children's guide, I want to be strong in what I believe, even though ultimately I will leave them to choose their own beliefs one day. But the path is foggy and I'm not sure how to step forward to find my way. Interesting things to ponder....definitely quiet time musings.

Nap guilt

It's funny. I am a "professional sleeper". I love to sleep. I've always loved to sleep. My husband used to be an early riser before he met me and now he loves to sleep. Some people can't nap. But me? I'd nap every day if I could. Nothing better than snuggling down in your bed for an hour in the middle of the afternoon. Even better when my husband is with me. The bed warms up faster.

So here I find myself in a conundrum. As a stay at home mother of two, I have the luxury of being able to, on occasion, have an afternoon nap. Granted since the arrival of my son, the days that an opportunity presents itself are few and far between, but still, I can nap more often than most of my friends who work all day. And I do. My couch is my biggest vice. My body sugar dips in the afternoon and so in order to stay out of the kitchen where I'd just snack for an hour, I snuggle up on the couch with the pink and blue afghan that my mother made me and sleep until I hear the rustle of children through the baby monitor. My oldest can get up on her own now and will often come upstairs and wake me up. But I digress. My conundrum is the guilt I feel when I nap. I feel guilty that I'm not washing dishes or cleaning bathrooms or folding laundry. I feel guilty that my husband is out working all day (even though he invariably falls asleep on the couch at 8:30pm every night). I feel guilty that I'm stealing away, pampering myself, when my friends who HAVE to work don't get the chance to nap. So then the nap feels wrong. Guilt is a heavy feeling.

But I was talking to another friend last night about my "secret naps" and now I'm feeling less guilty. Why is it that I should feel guilty about something as insignificant as napping when hey, this is MY life. I only get one shot at it, so why shouldn't I do whatever I feel like doing in the afternoon when an hour presents itself where I don't have to jump to attention to attend to the needs of my two small children? I work hard the rest of the day. I'm up early, making food, entertaining children, keeping the house running. What's wrong with treating myself when I can? And with a nap! There's no calories in a nap. In fact, sleep can make you healthier....a well rested mother is a happier mother.

So from here forward, I promise to nap when I can. It's my life, my body. I'll do what I feel like. But maybe I just won't tell everyone about it.

My dog is driving me crazy

Why is it that I can spend all day with two young children, who constantly try my patience with their neverending requests and constant squabbling, yet it is my DOG that makes me want to jump off the bridge?! I hate to say it, but I wonder on too frequent of a basis why we have a dog. She is neurotic. She's afraid of the wind. She's afraid of being alone. She sleeps all day while we're moving around the house and then as soon as we go to bed, she paces the house, knocking baby gates down, trying to get herself closer to a bedroom door where she must feel safe. I try putting her outside, out of my way, and she just barks which drives me mental too. Never have I had such an urge to kick something....but I don't. I yell alot, but I don't kick. I'm sure I am far from a good role model for my children, but this dog is driving me insane. Maybe it's the fact that you can't rationalize with a dog. Sure toddlers aren't capable of rationalization either, but preschoolers are on some kind of level. Atleast with kids you can bribe them with treats when desperate. Don't get me wrong, I would never hurt or give up our dog, but wow, does she make me mad these days.

Monday blues

OK, today's September 11th - that's a reason for historic blues to even get the day started. But here's why I'm feeling blue today

1. It's Monday
2. I spent all weekend with JUST my husband, no kids, no live-in siblings, no dogs. Just the two of us for 48 hours. The sun shone, we slept, we had sex, we talked. So I'm coming down off that high.
3. I got my period....nothing more to say, otherthan.....
4. I secretly had hoped that I might be pregnant. Highly unlikely, but like every month that passes, I secretly hope. And so obviously I'm not.
5. We had a big talk this weekend about baby #3 and things aren't looking good in my camp. Outside a miracle, meaning an "oops how did that happen", my husband is not interested in having a third......so I'm devastated. Trying hard not to be, but I am. In fact, I don't even want to let my mind wander in that direction for fear of the true "blues" that might erupt.
6. Started swimming lessons with my daughter today and it SUCKED. She's three and I thought she'd be ok for the teacher only lessons. I was wrong. She cried and clung to my leg for the entire 1/2 hour......now what am I going to do for the next 9 lessons?
7. My mother was here and is gone. Way too many details to explain why this gives me the blues but today I feel extra sad.
8. My sister is gone for three weeks on holiday and when she gets back she only has one month left in her mat leave.....I miss her.
9. My son, who is finally on the cusp of walking, has a mystery leg injury. He won't walk, won't scoot (he doesn't crawl), won't even put weight on his leg. Poor guy is miserable.

Wow, what a list. Let's try and think of some things to boost my spirits.
1. Fall TV is starting this week. Pathetic, I know that I'm excited about the new season of TV, but I'm desperate for escape into the lives of surgical interns and castaways. Even some of the new shows look interesting....like I need MORE TV to be addicted to.
2. It's fall.....summer is over and there are things to do now with my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love the summer and going to the beach and the park, but I'm ready for some place to go where there is more to do than push swings and catch kids on slides....oh and clean sand out of bum cracks.

Not many but a couple to keep me going. Just need to make it through the day....tomorrow will be better, I'm sure.

10 pounds down, 10 to go

Body image after a baby sure is tough. After having two babies within a couple of years, my body is all out of sorts. I tried hard between number one and two to lose the weight but returning to work, and getting pregnant so quickly made it difficult. After number two, I have been determined to get back on track. I lost a ton of weight after number two was born and then stalled.....unable to lose a pound until this summer. I know that food is my enemy. I seem to be able to get into the swing of exercising ok - we live at the top of a VERY big hill so walking is a great exercise as I have to go down and then back up again. But retraining myself to eat again has been hard. Being pregnant and breastfeeding boosts your appetite. You have to eat for energy and suddenly you can eat these huge portion sizes. It's been hard to par down the portion size and still come away satisfied.

But the effort has paid off. I paid close attention and was able to shed 10 pounds. I'm weighing less than when I started with number two so now my goal is another 10 pounds to put me lower than when I started on this baby making journey. I feel better, for sure, but my energy still sags in the afternoon. Part of me knows I need to eat more - just smaller amounts to get me through my quiet time rut. The couch tends to call out to me and so to avoid spending time eating in the kitchen I head for the couch for a sleep. Not very productive for getting chores done around the house.