Cold feet, shifting priorities

Well, Fall has definitely arrived. I feel the cold air in my house when I roll out of bed in the mornings. We only have electric baseboard heating so you walk from warm pocket to warm pocket as you move between rooms. The hallways are always cold. I try to bundle up and keep warm, but my feet and fingers always seem to feel like they are encased in little blocks of ice. Luckily the sun continues to shine. I know the end is near and that soon we will be engulfed with the grey low clouds that late fall and winter bring. We spent a splendid morning down at the park today...walking through big piles of fallen maple leaves and stopping every three steps to squat down and look at things on the ground. It amazes me how quickly I have forgotten about the stages of toddlerhood. I've been consumed by my oldest's development and am almost startled by the things that my youngest is starting to do. He still needs my hand to walk around, but all he wants to do now is walk. A five minute trip now takes 20 minutes as we stop to look at everything and there is invariably a tussle between us to decide which way we are going.

I've been trying hard this last week or so to let myself go and become more present in the day. Stop thinking so far ahead and just let myself enjoy the moments I am living with my children. Already I am overwhelmed by how grown up my daughter is, and she's only 3. I feel like childhood has passed me by already and then have to pinch myself to remind me that my son is still only 18 months, that there is still lots of childhood to enjoy. I can already feel myself letting go of ambitions for a bigger family. Rational thought has begun to seep into my brain and quash the desire for a third and final child. Fear works wonders on big ideas - a friend had a miscarriage this week and I find myself asking whether I want to live with that possibility. The yearning still lives inside me, but its voice is growing fainter as the days pass. I'm working hard to shift my "planning brain" to activities with the two beautiful children we already have......Christmas, a trip to visit the Grandparents in the new year, new activities for me. The process is slow, but it is happening. A trip to the big city next week will help....time to shop and load up on new winter clothes to help keep us warm.

Sunny day, moody children

The full moon is definitely making its way through my household. Today is Saturday, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful fall day and all my kids want to do is stay inside and be grumpy. I want to be outside, moving in the fresh air and sunshine. I know our days of sunshine are numbered as the days are growing shorter and the snow is soon approaching. But NO, they want to be grumpy....so it's off to bed for them and alone for me. My husband is fishing all weekend....it's Canadian Thanksgiving - a weekend to spend together, but instead today is like all others, a day of managing my children on my own....and they're grumpy. It's so hard to put on a happy mommy face when every effort is destroyed with crankiness and misery. Someone give me strength to be patient and keep trying......

So it's off to the kitchen I go to make cookies........cookies always make children (and mommies) happier, don't they? Or maybe a quick snooze on the couch first!

Sick days

How is it that somehow a migraine headache that is in its third day has to be endured to continue with my stay at home mother duties, while a case of the chills and aches allows for a return from work and a trip to bed for an afternoon nap?

How is it that when you are feeling the most lousy, your kids seem to be the most challenging and frustrating? Oh and refuse to nap?

Frustrations.........

Ok, this week I've encountered a few frustrations.........

#1 is definitely my internet. I've tried on several occasions to make a post and my internet has conked out and I've lost everything that I just spent time typing. Argh.....and some of my thoughts were happy thoughts. We've had beautiful weather in the mountains this week and I've been reminded of how much I LOVE the fall - the return of warm clothing without jackets!

Next is dog hair. I love my dog, really I do, but I do hate having to vacuum EVERY SINGLE day. To make it worse, because my brother's dog is here too, the dog hair quotient is double....make it triple because he has a long-haired dog. I really wish I could find the soft spot that I know is lingering somewhere deep in my heart for my dog. She was my "first baby" and now I routinely question her value in my life....poor thing. If she could just stop shedding, barking, freaking out in wind storms, I think our relationship would be a much happier one.

Next is dishes. Oh how I long for a dishwasher. Just when I think the dishes are done, there's always a new load piling up on the counter. Maybe this just goes hand in hand with my frustration around meal preparation. I really hate having to constantly think about what we're going to eat next.....and trying to be the good mother and provide healthy choices. I've got to tell you, with my husband away on business this past week, we've really enjoyed a lazy mother cooking week with lots of take out lunches. In an attempt to redeem myself to myself, I finally took out a membership at our local community food coop to try and start looking for some healthy snack alternatives. We'll see how it goes.

And finally TV. I'm seduced and addicted by TV, once again. I hate Fridays and Saturdays because there's nothing on and movies these days are horribly bad - never mind the fact that I live in a one screen theatre community where the owner chooses the WORST movies of those available. I wish I could tear myself away, but evening TV really makes life seem better......I can finally understand how my mother got sucked in to the daytime soaps when we were kids. It feels good to escape so I guess TV isn't really a frustration, it's just a guilty pleasure that feels like a dirty secret.