Playdate Etiquette

A couple of playdates today have got me thinking. What is the etiquette for playdates these days? Baby Girl is four now and has started going to playdates where I can leave and come back later. We've also started hosting playdates and some questions that have bubbled up in my brain are:

1. How long is a 4 year old playdate? Is 2 hours enough or would a whole morning / afternoon work?
2. What's the food rules? I agree that there can always be a snack. But if you're invited for a playdate that starts in the morning, should you assume you're staying for lunch too?
3. In line with food rules, what are the treat rules? Can you or should you offer candy, ice cream, cookies, etc?
4. Can TV watching be included in playdates? Here's where I'm struggling. It seems to me if you're having another kid over to play, that they should be playing, not watching TV. Should I be concerned when my daughter goes on playdates and they watch TV?
5. What are the reciprocation rules? If we're invited one week, should we invite back the next week or soon after? Within how much time before you should definitely reciprocate? This is obviously easier for me as a stay at home parent. It feels like a dating question - how long to wait before you call.
6. I have two kids. So is it fair to ask to have both kids hosted if the other family is a two kid family too?
7. What about discipline? I think it's fair to enforce your own house rules regarding manners and such, but what if things get out of hand?

It's seems kind of complicated. Or maybe I'm just making it more complicated for myself.

Any thoughts?

Comforting and Cuddling

I marvel at my children and their funny differences. My last post must have caused me to draw more attention to these little things that differentiate Baby Boy and Baby Girl.

Baby Girl was never a cuddly baby. She would nurse, pull back and demand to be put in her bed. She has been independent from the start. But perseverance on my part has brought her around. I've even told her about how she wouldn't cuddle me when she was a baby. She now, at 4 years old, has true moments of cuddliness. We've determined that first thing in the morning is the best time to cuddle and I can usually count on at least 2-3 minutes of a Baby Girl snuggle when she first gets up. Mostly I think she's just trying to get on my good side for what comes next. "Can I watch Treehouse, Mama". But hey, it gets me a snuggle.

Baby Boy on the other hand, was a cuddlier baby. He wanted to nurse more and was harder to convince that going to sleep was a good thing. He's a mama's boy. Always happy to climb into my lap while we're at playgroups. What baffles me is his reaction to be comforted. Baby Boy finds true comfort in his blanket. It is a beautiful handmade quilt from my Aunt and he carries it everywhere. And when he falls down or Baby Girl upsets him or someone hurts his feelings, the most important thing is his "lankie". I'll try to scoop him up and hold him close, but he will call for his blanket and then push me away. It almost breaks my heart to think that I can't be his true source of comfort. Even harder is his night terrors. It's taken a long time for me to realize that there is nothing I can do when he is having one but touch him, let him know I'm there and then back off to let the terror run its course. It sends needles through my veins to hear him crying and know, again, that there is nothing I can do to comfort him.

What does amaze me is how quickly both of my children have caught on to the golden opportunity of snuggling and how asking for a snuggle can get my attention. There have been lots of times that one or the other has come to me at the computer whining "I wanna snuggle you". It's hard to drag me away from my computer some days, but I am determined to stand by my mantra that there's always time for a snuggle.

Navigating Differences

Now that Baby Boy is over 2, I'm really starting to notice differences. Differences in personality, differences in gender traits. Things that work(ed) for Baby Girl cause me to feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall with Baby Boy. Baby Girl is attentive to discipline (kind of). She'll focus on my face when I try to hold her attention. She always has. Baby Boy, on the other hand, is strong willed against being disciplined. He lashes out - hitting, pinching, biting. He won't look you in the face, will stand with his back to you, chin down. It's tiring. I'm returning to the big bad world of the experts in books to try and find some new tools for my parenting belt to try and get some better results. At the same time, I'm trying to be more mindful and less of a yeller, an ultimatum giver. It's hard work.

Another place where I notice a big difference is in eating. Baby Girl has, and still is a big voracious eater. She seems to always be hungry, always asking for snacks. She eats well with the healthy food placed in front of her. I wish she would drink more. Unlike her brother who would live his life on liquids, especially milk. I've had to start to hold back on the milk at dinner time so that he will actually eat. The other difference is speed. Baby Girl gobbles up her food and is ready to go. Baby Boy picks away at his and then is distracted from eating any more. Any word about dessert and it's game over, Baby Boy's "all done". Given time, he will work his way through a relatively good sized meal, but more often than not, he's too distracted and eager to get down and play with Baby Girl, who finished her meal ages ago. The conundrum becomes whether to force Baby Girl to stay at the table so he'll finish, or just resign myself to the belief that he will eat if he's hungry.

Thursday Thirteen - 13 random questions lingering in my brain

It's been a painful week. Our dog was attacked by another dog while I had her out for a walk. I've experienced many public displays of hysteria with my children. And our little family enjoyed the craziness of a live Max and Ruby stage show in a nearby town.

In my travels this week, here's 13 random questions I've had floating through my brain.

1. Why is it that no matter how many kids you already have, people always ask whether you're going to have more?

2. Why do grandparents always take their grand kids out for fast food lunches? One of my clearest memories of my grandparents is our outings to McDonalds....back when the now medium drink was a large and a whole family could eat for under $10.

3. Why, when on uphill hikes, the mother will always carry the baby in the backpack instead of the father?

4. Why do kids hate having their hair washed?

5. How can kids (and dogs for that matter) run around all day and not seem tired, especially when by 3pm I'm usually ready for a nap? I'm always amazed that my kids are still running around screaming at 5pm when I pick them up from daycare on Fridays.

6. At what age to women suddenly decide they have to have short haircuts? You know the haircut I mean...short, grey, permed.

7. Why do children seem to find the most unreasonable thing to meltdown over...like how many french fries you're taking from them to share, or not letting them put ice in their own cup.

8. Why does dog hair only gather in certain parts of the house - like behind couches or under dinner tables? And why is it always in places where the afternoon sun likes to shine, just drawing attention to it?

9. Why are kids always raring to go at 6am whereas parents would love to sleep in until 10am? OK, maybe it's just me.

10. Why, if your dog bit another dog, would you give a false name? I'm bitter and hostile.

11. Why can I always fall asleep in the afternoon for a nap (even with the loudest outside noise), but at night the slightest sound drives me batty?

12. Why is it so difficult to stop eating chocolate and drinking caffeinated beverages? Ok - I know these items contained addictive qualities....it's more rhetorical.

13. What would my life be like if I hadn't gotten on a bus to Noosa Australia, 11 years ago? This is a "Sliding Doors" question....you know, how one instant in time could change your entire life. I'm sure glad I got on that bus.

Any crazy questions floating around in your brain?

Quiet and peaceful living

It is quiet and peaceful here today. The day started slowly and leisurely. Some cartoons for the kids while Mama stayed in bed for an extra hour. What a treat! Poor Papa had to get up and go to work....but such is his role in this family. Our morning has included a long and leisurely breakfast and now the kids are happily playing together downstairs - reading books, moving toys around as they go on their adventures - while I look at my favorite blogs and tidy up the kitchen. It amazes me how well Baby Girl and Baby Boy can play together, when they want to. They're such good friends really. It warms my heart.

I'm actually feeling kind of lonely today. When I started up my main email this morning, I was greeted with No Messages. After months of watching the new messages scroll in with things to action or take care of, I feel a loss of direction with no messages to attend to. What a joy then to find a comment waiting for me on my blog email.....there are people out there!

I'm trying to shift back into this quieter life. I know my family will thank me for it. I know my health will thank me for it. But a part of me feels less important now. Time to find something new to put some energy into, something that feels good, maybe creative.

A pocket of good in an otherwise bad day

Today has been crap. It's been a cold fall day. Not one where the sun warms the air enough to enjoy being out, kicking the leaves. It has been grey and drizzly and cold. It is also my husband's birthday. So expectations have been a problem today. Not his, mine. I love birthdays and have high expectations of them being special and fun.

To celebrate the birthday, last night we had a party. An adult party. My husband wanted to watch Hockey Night in Canada. So we invited a bunch of couples over, plus my singleton brother who arrived in town for the weekend and the boys watched hockey. When it was done, we all played boys vs. girls Cranium. It was hilarious, competitive, cutthroat. And there was A LOT of beer consumed.....by my husband and brother (and a few other party goers).

This meant a slow start to his day. In fact most of his day was slow. He lounged / snoozed on the couch until 10am and spent most of the afternoon in bed snoozing. But I digress. This post wasn't meant to be a rant about all the things that have made me irritated and angry today. I was intending a post where I simply stated that today was a shitty day and I have spent most of it angry. Some of it even blood boiling angry.

And then around 4pm, for just over an hour, the clouds cleared on my day and I was able to laugh and smile. With Baby Boy finally napping, I took Baby Girl and we went to the pool for an hour. She insisted on wearing a life jacket and suddenly she could swim. Her last set of lessons had kicked in and with the life jacket on, she was racing around the pool, actually swimming. She chased me around the river and did big jumps into the deep pool. She showed me her back floats and scooped bubbles in the hot tub. It was a full hour of just mother / daughter time and I loved it. So amongst the anger and the frustration today, Baby Girl helped me find some light.

(Belated) Thursday Thirteen: 13 ways I feel like a good mother

Two little kids sure can challenge you and there's lots of days I wonder how my "good mother" report card would measure up. Here's a list of 13 ways I actually feel like a good mother.

1. When Baby Girl wants to snuggle into my bed and sleep with me when my husband is away for work.

2. When I whisper I love you to Baby Girl when she's asleep and she says I love you back.

3. When my kids say please or thank you without prompting.

4. When my kids ask for more vegetables or express their preference for broccoli or red pepper.

5. When my kids ask for another story to be read to them or spend tons of time just sitting looking at their books.

6. When my kids say "I missed you Mama" after their day at daycare.

7. When my kids come up to me and just say "I wanna snuggle you Mama" - even when I know they're just playing me for something.

8. When I can turn their frown into a smile, or even better a laugh.

9. When we dance around the kitchen, laughing.

10. When my kids share with other kids, without being asked.

11. When my kids help me make fresh banana muffins.

12. When I find a new activity to do with my kids that they enjoy, like painting or riding their bikes.

13. When my kids seem really grateful for something I've done for them - even if it's gotten them a new movie to watch or a new toy.

Navigating the emotions of a 4-year old

So I'll admit that I'm starting to struggle. I've been in this mothering game for about 4.5 years now and it never ceases to amaze me how hard it is. My patience and understanding levels are starting to wear thin and I've still got at least 16 years to go until Baby Boy is 18.

My most recent dilemma is dealing with the attitude of my four year old daughter. The sass has started and I'm struggling with how teach her good manners. A lot of my lack of patience comes from being tired and disconnected. I'm trying very hard to reacquaint myself with what a good stay at home mother should be doing.....getting down on the floor more to colour, play games, etc. But I seem to constantly be butting heads with this moody and rude child that has appeared. Many a day is spent dealing with disciplining Baby Girl on how she should be talking to her mother and dealing with the hysterics that ensue when the consequences are enforced.

To paint a more clear picture - I speak firmly, she doesn't listen, I tell her to go to her room, she yells "no", I pick her up, she writhes out of my arms, I place her in her room, she spends the next 1/2 hour screaming at me. Not a pleasant experience.

What I do find interesting is the dialogue that happens after she has settled down. We seem to spend a period of time talking about how she is still mad or upset, but at least we're on speaking terms. The good thing is that usually later in the day she snuggles up to me and tells me she is sorry for whatever it is that she had done.

It makes me fearful for the ride to come. It is really hard not to take her outbursts personally. This is a strong willed little girl, who is going to push me to my limits and it's hard to know whether I'm picking the right path of teaching. I don't want to even think about what my already moody 2-year old son will be like in a couple of years.

Expectations

It's a funny thing about expectations - you can never really get them quite right. They're either too high or too low. For example....

Too high
Getting down on the floor to play with my daughter and spend one on one time together. I've been trying to make more individual time for my kids, hoping to reconnect with them after being so busy all summer. Well, today after 5 minutes she has a fit about who is winning the game and doesn't want to play anymore. So I tell her I don't want to play with someone who is being unfriendly and she throws an even bigger fit because she wants me to play with her. Why bother, I ask myself, why bother?

So often my expectations are too high. I try to check them at the door and take things as they come, but often find myself disappointed. I have had endless conversations with my friends about how surprised we are when we're let down AGAIN by someone's actions.

Which makes the times when your expectations are set low and you're overwhelmed by a good experience so great. Again, an example....

Too Low
Last night I went to a spontaneous birthday party of a new friend. She is about 12 years older than me and I didn't know anyone else going to the party so I went with the intention of stopping in to say happy birthday and then going back home to my husband sleeping on the couch watching hockey (another expectation). I ended up having a great time. My face ached from laughing so much as I sat around the kitchen with my friend and her group of girlfriends talking about anything and everything - sex, high school, marriage. I crept back in after midnight, refueled after a new and different girls night out.

Thursday Thirteen - 13 things that drive me crazy

This 13 was inspired yesterday by my children who were definitely driving me crazy. Here's 13 things that drive me crazy (there are a few more, but they're best left to the confines of my own mind).

1. my dog - her pacing when the wind comes up, her whining, her barking outside at anything and nothing

2. my son's high pitched scream that has suddenly appeared

3. the small dog sized dust bunnies that gather daily under my kitchen table, highlighted by the sun through the window, despite regular vacuuming

4. my son's eating habits - he gets up and down from the table, not eating, but having a fit every time you say you're taking his food away

5. my husband's snoring - no further comment necessary

6. my daughter's messy room - I know, it's only going to get worse (this is when I wish I had a digital camera to show you what it looks like)

7. when the top rack of the dishwasher doesn't clean - kind of defeats the purpose, when you have to hand wash all those dishes anyways

8. early mornings, in general - however life has gotten better now that both children will happily watch kids CBC for an hour

9. TV reruns - I know the season has just started, but I know that in another couple of weeks, there will be a few weeks of reruns, grrrr. On a side note here, how mad was I last night when I snuggled down on the couch at 7:59pm for an evening of Pushing Daisies and Private Practice, only to have the cable quit for the rest of the night.

10. my neighbour - nothing better than a 20-something, bike-riding single guy living next door that likes to throw very loud parties....my best friend and my mom can both attest to the sound level.

11. the local movie theatre - this one screen theatre always manages to play the worst current movie selection. My teenage babysitter would be rich if there was a good movie playing every week. Saying that we're going to see Heartbreak Kid on Friday...a last, a reason for date night.

12. my cravings for Coke and chocolate - my inner tube would be so much smaller if I could just kick these habits - and that's Coca-Cola, just to be clear

13. the heat and window war - my husband wants the windows open, I want them closed. I want the heat on, my husband wants it off....no matter the season, the battle continues.

What things drive you crazy? Any good ideas for a Thursday 13?

Thanksgiving

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. Our weekend has been relatively quiet, time spent mostly just as our little family of four. As my mind is starting to clear from the craziness of this summer's extra-curricular activities, I am starting to see the things I should be focusing on. So to celebrate Thanksgiving, here's a list of things I'm thankful for.

1. My children. Two beautiful people that are my greatest achievements. Every day they teach me something new. Without them I would be incomplete.

2. My husband. He is my yin to my yang. He grounds me and supports me. Without him I would be lost and lonely. He is my true love.

3. My family. A mother, a sister, a brother. A memory of a wonderful father. I am lucky to have a family so close and supportive.

4. My friends. Both old and new. What a joy this year to celebrate Thanksgiving with a group of friends. They keep my spirit lifted with laughter and talking.

5. My home. We are truly blessed through hard work to have a warm and comfortable home.

6. New adventures. I am excited to begin a journey to learn to paint. I am eager to return to writing. I am ready to embrace exercise and improve my health.

7. Primetime TV. Ok, this is a silly one. But it sure feels nice to snuggle up under a blanket now that it is fall and spend the evening in the guilt pleasure company of my friends at Seattle Grace, Wisteria Lane, the Walker family home and Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Life at the bottom of a well

Here I sit, at the bottom of a well. Or at least that's what it feels like. A whole month has passed since I blogged. My mind is a muddle. My emotions are flaring. My mood is erratic. Somehow I managed to go away on retreat, then take a long overdue holiday with JUST my husband and then came back to spiral down into burnout. I've never felt this way before. Completely spent, totally exhausted, utterly confused.

I came to the realization last week that something needed to change. Last year I joined the volunteer board of a local organization and it has in two rapid jumps become a full-time job. For the last 8 weeks (save the retreat and holiday time) I have been clocking close to 50 hours a week for this organization....AS A VOLUNTEER. We've been in a state of crisis and with me being the only person at home full-time, and with my ridiculous work ethic, I managed to take on the majority of the work to get things back on track. I've been so caught up in it that I couldn't see my children suffering, my husband getting frustrated or myself getting sick. But in finally seeing all that, I felt helpless to push back. Until last Tuesday, when I finally said the words out loud. "I've had enough, I need to stop." And so now the process is underway for me to let go and walk away.

It's been a long hard year as I look back. I've spent all of it, giving my energy to someone else's problems. First I managed my mother's affairs as she sold, packed up and moved. Then it was the drama that is this volunteer work. I lost focus on the reason that we chose to downsize and live a simpler life - so that I could focus on my children and my family. My kids are four and two now and are finally at a place where I can step back and reclaim some time for myself. My dopamine levels are low. I need to find something to kick start the happy in my head and body again. But when you're sitting at the bottom of the well, looking up the long narrow walls to the tiny light at the top, it's hard to see the stones that are sticking out to help you climb your way back up.

I know what I need, it's just finding the energy to do it. I need to exercise. I need to write. I need to reconnect with my children and get down on the floor and play again, instead of talk to them over my shoulder from the computer desk. I need to spend time with my husband. I need to spend time with my friends. I need to stop mourning a baby that I'll never have.

Luckily, it's Thursday night and the dopamine-inducing Grey's Anatomy is on. Small steps....small steps.