Evil children

So, today sucked. Really sucked. I am really struggling with my kids these days and today was a killer day. We seem to have this HUGE problem. My kids gang up on my niece. She's two - only 8 months younger than Baby Boy. Whenever she comes over, my kids morph into these two mean and spiteful children. They won't share. They run around and try to lock my niece out of their room, not including her in what they're doing. It drives both me and my sister mental. It makes me almost sick to my stomach. Why are they like this? What have I done to teach them how to be so awful?

I know part of it is my own insecurities. I had a rough go in junior high and still hold the fear of not being accepted. It is my highest priority to try and teach both of my children to be kind and inclusive. They're pretty good with other kids. Baby Girl has had some issues with letting people in her room before, but that seems to have passed. EXCEPT when it comes to my niece.

So today was awful. We were having a great morning. Nice, quiet, nowhere to go. Baby Girl and Baby Boy were playing great together...for what seemed like hours. Then my niece arrived. I tried to engage them all. A new tactic, instead of letting them play without direct adult contact. I thought it would help to get our day off to a good start. We settled down at the coffee table to do our letters to Santa. And from out of nowhere, Baby Girl spiralled into a hysterical tantrum that lasted for at least 45 minutes. I couldn't figure out the problem. All she did was scream and cry and refuse to let me leave her. When I finally had her settled down, Baby Boy got set off with something...a sharing issue and then he spent 30 minutes in his room screaming at me. Every time I went in to try and console him and see if he was ready to be nice, he threw another fit and tried to hit me.

After lunch, we put my niece downstairs for her afternoon nap and suddenly the two happy children returned. I DON'T GET IT. The words I hate my children ran through my brain. Where has this behaviour come from? What am I doing wrong? I'm starting to think I should find someone else to take care of my kids when my husband and I go to Mexico in January, because I don't want to inflict this torture on my sister for 7 days....especially considering she's about to have a baby any day.

God, please give me strength and patience and some kind of wisdom.

A gem from the mouth of Baby Boy

When I picked up Baby Boy from the gym's daycare this morning, his caregiver relayed this story.

Apparently she and Baby Boy were reading a stroy about a bunny that's having a bad day and decides to go to Bunnyland so things will go better. The caregiver asked Baby Boy,

"Baby Boy, do you have bad days sometimes?".

To which Fraser replied

"No, but Baby Girl does."

Considering the hysteria that started our day this morning, courtesy of Baby Girl, I wasn't surprised at this comment, but wow, did the story make me laugh!

Playdate Etiquette

A couple of playdates today have got me thinking. What is the etiquette for playdates these days? Baby Girl is four now and has started going to playdates where I can leave and come back later. We've also started hosting playdates and some questions that have bubbled up in my brain are:

1. How long is a 4 year old playdate? Is 2 hours enough or would a whole morning / afternoon work?
2. What's the food rules? I agree that there can always be a snack. But if you're invited for a playdate that starts in the morning, should you assume you're staying for lunch too?
3. In line with food rules, what are the treat rules? Can you or should you offer candy, ice cream, cookies, etc?
4. Can TV watching be included in playdates? Here's where I'm struggling. It seems to me if you're having another kid over to play, that they should be playing, not watching TV. Should I be concerned when my daughter goes on playdates and they watch TV?
5. What are the reciprocation rules? If we're invited one week, should we invite back the next week or soon after? Within how much time before you should definitely reciprocate? This is obviously easier for me as a stay at home parent. It feels like a dating question - how long to wait before you call.
6. I have two kids. So is it fair to ask to have both kids hosted if the other family is a two kid family too?
7. What about discipline? I think it's fair to enforce your own house rules regarding manners and such, but what if things get out of hand?

It's seems kind of complicated. Or maybe I'm just making it more complicated for myself.

Any thoughts?

Comforting and Cuddling

I marvel at my children and their funny differences. My last post must have caused me to draw more attention to these little things that differentiate Baby Boy and Baby Girl.

Baby Girl was never a cuddly baby. She would nurse, pull back and demand to be put in her bed. She has been independent from the start. But perseverance on my part has brought her around. I've even told her about how she wouldn't cuddle me when she was a baby. She now, at 4 years old, has true moments of cuddliness. We've determined that first thing in the morning is the best time to cuddle and I can usually count on at least 2-3 minutes of a Baby Girl snuggle when she first gets up. Mostly I think she's just trying to get on my good side for what comes next. "Can I watch Treehouse, Mama". But hey, it gets me a snuggle.

Baby Boy on the other hand, was a cuddlier baby. He wanted to nurse more and was harder to convince that going to sleep was a good thing. He's a mama's boy. Always happy to climb into my lap while we're at playgroups. What baffles me is his reaction to be comforted. Baby Boy finds true comfort in his blanket. It is a beautiful handmade quilt from my Aunt and he carries it everywhere. And when he falls down or Baby Girl upsets him or someone hurts his feelings, the most important thing is his "lankie". I'll try to scoop him up and hold him close, but he will call for his blanket and then push me away. It almost breaks my heart to think that I can't be his true source of comfort. Even harder is his night terrors. It's taken a long time for me to realize that there is nothing I can do when he is having one but touch him, let him know I'm there and then back off to let the terror run its course. It sends needles through my veins to hear him crying and know, again, that there is nothing I can do to comfort him.

What does amaze me is how quickly both of my children have caught on to the golden opportunity of snuggling and how asking for a snuggle can get my attention. There have been lots of times that one or the other has come to me at the computer whining "I wanna snuggle you". It's hard to drag me away from my computer some days, but I am determined to stand by my mantra that there's always time for a snuggle.

Navigating Differences

Now that Baby Boy is over 2, I'm really starting to notice differences. Differences in personality, differences in gender traits. Things that work(ed) for Baby Girl cause me to feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall with Baby Boy. Baby Girl is attentive to discipline (kind of). She'll focus on my face when I try to hold her attention. She always has. Baby Boy, on the other hand, is strong willed against being disciplined. He lashes out - hitting, pinching, biting. He won't look you in the face, will stand with his back to you, chin down. It's tiring. I'm returning to the big bad world of the experts in books to try and find some new tools for my parenting belt to try and get some better results. At the same time, I'm trying to be more mindful and less of a yeller, an ultimatum giver. It's hard work.

Another place where I notice a big difference is in eating. Baby Girl has, and still is a big voracious eater. She seems to always be hungry, always asking for snacks. She eats well with the healthy food placed in front of her. I wish she would drink more. Unlike her brother who would live his life on liquids, especially milk. I've had to start to hold back on the milk at dinner time so that he will actually eat. The other difference is speed. Baby Girl gobbles up her food and is ready to go. Baby Boy picks away at his and then is distracted from eating any more. Any word about dessert and it's game over, Baby Boy's "all done". Given time, he will work his way through a relatively good sized meal, but more often than not, he's too distracted and eager to get down and play with Baby Girl, who finished her meal ages ago. The conundrum becomes whether to force Baby Girl to stay at the table so he'll finish, or just resign myself to the belief that he will eat if he's hungry.

Quiet and peaceful living

It is quiet and peaceful here today. The day started slowly and leisurely. Some cartoons for the kids while Mama stayed in bed for an extra hour. What a treat! Poor Papa had to get up and go to work....but such is his role in this family. Our morning has included a long and leisurely breakfast and now the kids are happily playing together downstairs - reading books, moving toys around as they go on their adventures - while I look at my favorite blogs and tidy up the kitchen. It amazes me how well Baby Girl and Baby Boy can play together, when they want to. They're such good friends really. It warms my heart.

I'm actually feeling kind of lonely today. When I started up my main email this morning, I was greeted with No Messages. After months of watching the new messages scroll in with things to action or take care of, I feel a loss of direction with no messages to attend to. What a joy then to find a comment waiting for me on my blog email.....there are people out there!

I'm trying to shift back into this quieter life. I know my family will thank me for it. I know my health will thank me for it. But a part of me feels less important now. Time to find something new to put some energy into, something that feels good, maybe creative.

A pocket of good in an otherwise bad day

Today has been crap. It's been a cold fall day. Not one where the sun warms the air enough to enjoy being out, kicking the leaves. It has been grey and drizzly and cold. It is also my husband's birthday. So expectations have been a problem today. Not his, mine. I love birthdays and have high expectations of them being special and fun.

To celebrate the birthday, last night we had a party. An adult party. My husband wanted to watch Hockey Night in Canada. So we invited a bunch of couples over, plus my singleton brother who arrived in town for the weekend and the boys watched hockey. When it was done, we all played boys vs. girls Cranium. It was hilarious, competitive, cutthroat. And there was A LOT of beer consumed.....by my husband and brother (and a few other party goers).

This meant a slow start to his day. In fact most of his day was slow. He lounged / snoozed on the couch until 10am and spent most of the afternoon in bed snoozing. But I digress. This post wasn't meant to be a rant about all the things that have made me irritated and angry today. I was intending a post where I simply stated that today was a shitty day and I have spent most of it angry. Some of it even blood boiling angry.

And then around 4pm, for just over an hour, the clouds cleared on my day and I was able to laugh and smile. With Baby Boy finally napping, I took Baby Girl and we went to the pool for an hour. She insisted on wearing a life jacket and suddenly she could swim. Her last set of lessons had kicked in and with the life jacket on, she was racing around the pool, actually swimming. She chased me around the river and did big jumps into the deep pool. She showed me her back floats and scooped bubbles in the hot tub. It was a full hour of just mother / daughter time and I loved it. So amongst the anger and the frustration today, Baby Girl helped me find some light.

Navigating the emotions of a 4-year old

So I'll admit that I'm starting to struggle. I've been in this mothering game for about 4.5 years now and it never ceases to amaze me how hard it is. My patience and understanding levels are starting to wear thin and I've still got at least 16 years to go until Baby Boy is 18.

My most recent dilemma is dealing with the attitude of my four year old daughter. The sass has started and I'm struggling with how teach her good manners. A lot of my lack of patience comes from being tired and disconnected. I'm trying very hard to reacquaint myself with what a good stay at home mother should be doing.....getting down on the floor more to colour, play games, etc. But I seem to constantly be butting heads with this moody and rude child that has appeared. Many a day is spent dealing with disciplining Baby Girl on how she should be talking to her mother and dealing with the hysterics that ensue when the consequences are enforced.

To paint a more clear picture - I speak firmly, she doesn't listen, I tell her to go to her room, she yells "no", I pick her up, she writhes out of my arms, I place her in her room, she spends the next 1/2 hour screaming at me. Not a pleasant experience.

What I do find interesting is the dialogue that happens after she has settled down. We seem to spend a period of time talking about how she is still mad or upset, but at least we're on speaking terms. The good thing is that usually later in the day she snuggles up to me and tells me she is sorry for whatever it is that she had done.

It makes me fearful for the ride to come. It is really hard not to take her outbursts personally. This is a strong willed little girl, who is going to push me to my limits and it's hard to know whether I'm picking the right path of teaching. I don't want to even think about what my already moody 2-year old son will be like in a couple of years.

Holiday weekend highs...and a low

You've got to love Canada for all our summer long weekends. It has been a true holiday weekend here - visitors, a party, time at the beach, even some afternoon siesta time. Here's a recap of the highs and one very unfortunate low.

High #1 My best friend from the Big City made the trip out with her 5 year old son (my godson) for the weekend. My kids LOVE this kid and he's the best 5 year old boy ever. It was so great to see them, catch up and take some pics of the kids hanging out together.

High #2
Birthday party bash at my sister's place for my brother-in-law. There were lots of adults and lots of kids. There were enough older kids that they all entertained each other with a game of hide and seek. How great is it that Baby Girl is getting old enough to allow her to just run around and play without 24/7 supervision at these thing? Baby Boy even joined in the fun while his Papa watched over him.

High #3
I wish I had a camera for this one. We were all in the kitchen waiting for my sister to get the banana cream pies ready to sing Happy Birthday. The kids had gathered around the kitchen, but Baby Boy had climbed up on the bench at the kitchen table to watch the preparations. No one was paying him any attention. Then my sister's brother-in-law told me to look over at Baby Boy. There he was crouched right down with his nose at the edge of the pie plate and then casually he just leaned over and took a great big LICK of the whip cream on the top of the pie. Priceless!

High #4
Sunday morning, after a pancake breakfast and my friend had taken off for the day to visit her relatives, my husband corners me in the kitchen and says "why don't I take the kids down to the park for a couple of hours so you can have a nap?" I almost fainted on the spot. Can you say "best husband EVER award"?!!!!

And the low..........

On Saturday night we got home late from the birthday party where we had taken our two German shepherds to play with my sister's two German shepherds (they're all related, crazy - I know). My husband let them in the backyard to go for a pee and we heard lots of barking. I went out in the backyard and saw them cowering in the middle of the yard. I called them up on the deck and surprise, surprise, our dog was wet and STANK LIKE SKUNK. So at midnight, I was driving to 7-11 to buy hydrogen peroxide to make up the miracle mix to de-skunk both dogs. They have spent the rest of the weekend on the deck and have had 2 hose downs so far.

And so begins the back talk

I was getting ready to make lunch yesterday and I made my suggestion to Baby Girl.

"Would you like some ham and bread for lunch?"

"I don't want ham today", Baby Girl responded.

It was hot here and my brain was moving slow, so I was clammering to think of something else that didn't involve the stove or oven.

From the couch where Baby Girl sat slouched watching TV with her Papa, in the grumpiest, rudest voice I've heard yet comes...

"You figure it out."

Needless to say, we had a bit of a discussion about things you say and tones you use when talking to your mother.

Sibling highs and lows

Today had a definite high and low.

HIGH
Baby Girl set up a "rocket ship" out on our back deck with a big blanket. The kids pulled out a million things from their rooms and were pretending to go up in the rocket. It was SOOOOOOOOOO cute to peek outside and see them snuggled up in the blanket, chattering away, Baby Girl giving instructions on what to do next. They played for ages in the backyard, just running around doing different things. Such good friends.

LOW
A scratching, pinching fight where Baby Boy actually left a claw mark (yes, I promptly trimmed his fingernails) on Baby Girl's bare chest. Lots of screaming from Baby Girl and LOTS of time to himself in his room for Baby Boy. What was it about, who actually knows...Baby Girl getting in Baby Boy's space? Baby Boy taking one of Baby Girl's toys?

Being with these kids is like being on a manic depressive rollercoaster ride, when we're up we're really, really up and when we're down, boy does it ever suck.

The Amazing Human Body

Baby Boy was born missing the lower part of his left arm. I often wonder what extra lessons that Baby Boy will teach me in life. I know patience is one, but I think that is a given for any parent (especially those who are in or have passed through the todder / preschooler years). Acceptance is a big one. I am driven to find new ways all the time to teach others how to be accepting of people different than themselves. My "speech" about Baby Boy's arm has changed over the last couple of years. I'm noticing now, more than ever, that I'm having to play teacher to the outside world, especially since Baby Boy is older and running around with other kids. Some days I'm up for it and some days I'm not. Some days I can feel the stares and feel inclined to engage people in conversations and answer their questions and other days, my ears fall deaf to the questions I can hear kids asking from a distance. It makes me weary. Parenting is such a big responsibility and with Baby Boy's disability, the responsibility has multiplied and there aren't any guidebooks or "what to expect" manuals to help me along the way. I have noticed though that I have back-up in my teachings as of late. Already some of our kids' friends and parents are sharing my message with others who ask questions when I'm not close by. It filled my heart with such joy to hear a friend of Baby Girl explaining to another child at the playground the other day that Baby Boy was "born that way".

Anyways, I digress. The thing that caught me the other day while watching Baby Boy run along a path after his sister was how how amazing the human body is. I watched his little legs move and flow and his arms pump up and down beside him. There was no holding him back. His body was responding to his wish to catch up to Baby Girl. How amazing it is that our bodies just respond to synapses in our brain that we don't even feel ourselves thinking. As I watched closer, I was caught by his movements in his upper body. The way he easily picked things up and tucked one under his little arm to facilitate picking up something else. How he is able to swing his blanket around his neck with the help of his little arm. How he has figured out how to take his own shirt off by sliding the little arm out first and twisting the shirt to get it over his head. Sure, there are tasks where he asks for help. But more often than not, I don't think it's his missing hand that's holding him back, it's just his age and his tottering back and forth between being independent and wanting help.

I know there are a million more lessons ahead of me as a mother and most days I'm thankful for those lessons. I can only hope that I am as good a teacher to my kids as they are to me.

Moods captured on film

We still live in the "film" world when it comes to taking pictures here. So there isn't the instant gratification of digital in seeing the pictures we have taken. The latest batch came back yesterday and I was pleased to find two pictures that appropriately captured the current mood of my children. These are the children that rule my world.

Crazy Baby Girl

Miserable Baby Boy

Two Strikes

Today I have been the mother than other mothers compare themselves against and feel better about themselves. I'm tired and my defenses are down at the moment. I'm battling yet another sore throat / cough (side note - I've finally made an appointment to see an ENT next month), I'm not sleeping well (cough, snoring husband, pacing dog) and I'm trying to motivate myself to get out and exercise, with all attempts leading back to some form of chocolate.

Anyways, my day started early. Baby Girl found me sleeping on the couch at 6.30am after another restless night of sleep. I was desperate to catch some more zzz's so after several failed attempts to get her to stay in her room and play quietly for another hour, and the subsequent waking of Baby Boy, I asked her to bring me the clicker to show her how to turn on the TV for some morning Treehouse. My girlfriend phoned at 8.30am and said "it sounds like you're still in bed" to which I answered "I am, but I'm awake". Our conversation of course led to her asking how I manage to stay in bed so long with a 4 and 2 year old running around the house, to which I answered that they were watching TV. Strike One.

After my lazy start to the morning, I finally get the kids organized and Baby Girl off to daycare (45 minutes late, but just in time for snack....a very important part of the day for her). I pick up some snacks in town for Baby Boy and me and head down to the beach to meet the same friend I talked to earlier and another friend. My snack shopping included a dark chocolate and pear brioche (yum!) from the french bakery in town and as I bought it, I tried to figure out how I was going to manage to eat it myself without having to share it with Baby Boy. It had hazelnuts in it and I'm still a bit leery of nuts for him. My solution......during our next stop at Safeway, I bought him a honey glazed donut to eat. So down to the beach we go and of course he starts asking for his donut. As he's sat on our blanket munching away, my friends smile and proceed to pull out their kids' snacks - avocado and cucumber. Strike Two. (Side note - I did have a very healthy lunch packed - boiled egg, crackers, nectarine, in the event we stayed at the park long enough to eat lunch.)

Not a particularly great start to today, but right now it doesn't bother me. Some days are doing what it takes to get through the day and both of my strikes made for happy children. We're told to pick our battles as parents and today I just wasn't up for a pestering preschooler at the beginning of the day or a tantruming toddler. I promise to try harder another day.

Eating woes

So I was reading a blog over at Cheaty Monkey all about Haley-O being excited about her daughter finally eating. It must be nerve racking to watch your child all day long, picking away at his/her food, wondering if they are consuming enough calories. I have a friend with two kids who are like that. They pick and pick at their food. Snacks are available all day, anytime, in hopes that they will eat.

I, on the other hand, have the opposite problem and I swear, somedays, it's going to drive me to drink (a habit I sadly gave up years ago). My kids want to eat ALL THE TIME. We eat a good breakfast here. I remind them that this is all there is until lunch and they look at me and say they're all done. As soon as we get into the car to go into town for our morning activity, they start asking. Baby Boy says it as soon as you plant his bum in his car seat. "I want en-ga (his toddler word for food)". We go to the park. Baby Boy doesn't play - he just eats. We sit on the park bench for hours, just snacking away on whatever I have in the backpack. Sometimes I only bring one snack - a fruit bar or fish crackers, and he has an absolute meltdown if there's not more to eat. If we have friends at the park, they want to eat their snack too. I often question why we even go to the park, when we could have very happily just stayed home and ate all morning.

I honestly believe that food is one of the hardest parts of being a mother for me. It feels like that's what I spend the majority of my day doing - making food, thinking about food, cleaning up food. I hate thinking about what to make for meals. I wonder if my kids get sick of eating the same things over and over again, but I just can't find more exciting things to make. And when I do finally get some inspiration, they don't eat. What's up with that?

So for all the parents out there that worry about whether their kids are eating enough, know that on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are parents with non-stop eaters having our own frustrations with the never ending requests.