And so begins the back talk

I was getting ready to make lunch yesterday and I made my suggestion to Baby Girl.

"Would you like some ham and bread for lunch?"

"I don't want ham today", Baby Girl responded.

It was hot here and my brain was moving slow, so I was clammering to think of something else that didn't involve the stove or oven.

From the couch where Baby Girl sat slouched watching TV with her Papa, in the grumpiest, rudest voice I've heard yet comes...

"You figure it out."

Needless to say, we had a bit of a discussion about things you say and tones you use when talking to your mother.

Feeling numb

So last weekend my husband got the snip. We had talked and talked about it and finally I gave him the green light. I was ready. I had convinced myself that I was ok with the prospect of no more children. The aftershock of his actually going though has been interesting. I've been moody and emotional all week. Despite knowing that we were coming to the "end" of our procreating years, there was still the secret hope that we had created something just before the lines were cut. I knew the likelihood was low, but there was still hope simmering in my heart.

I started to read into my emotions and physical state. I was tired, emotional, my back hurt....maybe even my breasts? Maybe, just maybe, a higher power had intervened over our very minimal precautions and brought about the third baby I have been carrying in my heart ever since Baby Boy was born.

Yesterday I got my period. Three days earlier than the usual 25 day cycle I'm already on. Part of me is devastated, crushed. My hopes have been officially laid to rest. Another part of me is thankful. I didn't really want to have to tell my husband that we were going to have a baby, especially after his very clear messages earlier this year that he would feel sick if we found out we were pregnant again. I feel lighter from the anxiety that was starting to form in my brain - the worries about what I was eating and drinking.

So today I feel numb. I'm neither happy or sad just numb. I think it's fair to allow myself time to grieve and mourn the things I thought I wanted - another baby moving inside me, another baby to nurture, the possibility of a sister for Baby Girl and Baby Boy. I think I'll give myself a couple of days (I've got my period, so I'm allowed to be cranky anyways, aren't I?) to say good-bye to what could have been. And after those three days, I'll remind myself of the insanity that already exists in my household with two children (the sibling wars, the preschooler attitude, the tantrum toddler) in order to see the bright side of not having to start all over again. Oh and start to focus on what lies ahead.....5 full days away in Vegas with just my husband at the beginning of September!

Anger management

OK. I've been stewing for the last two days, trying to decide whether to blog about my mother. Most of it has to do with fear. Fear that she will stumble upon, or someone who knows her will stumble upon what I'm about to express. This history of our relationship has been twisted and painful over the last few years. She's gone from my good friend and confidante to just the grandmother of my children and essentially another child for whom I feel responsible. It's complicated.

Anyways, she was just here for a visit and when she left this week I was overcome with loss over how much our relationship has changed. When I look at her, I rarely see my mother, or any kind of mother in fact. I spend most of my time mothering her - mostly as a result of my father's death. This visit I was acutely aware of her lack of interest in the stresses in my life. Most of her time was spent dedicated to the grandkids, specifically Baby Girl. Now don't get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that they have such an amazing relationship, but deep down I guess it makes the deterioration of our relationship even harder.

So when she left, I felt emotional. First I was sad and then the anger started to brew inside me. What topped it all off was when she called later in the day, looking for my sister who was over for dinner and when I told her we were eating and would call her back, she essentially hung up on me and then turned her phone off so we couldn't reach her. I guess I'll be extra prepared for the teenage years.

So now I'm pissed. I've spent the last 24 hours angry and I hate feeling angry. When I did speak to her today she was all nonchalant about it all and when we talked about it she started to meltdown into one of her emotional breakdowns, making me feel like shit.

So my fingers are attempting to purge some anger. Angry adult daughters do not make happy mothers to small children. My poor kids have suffered today because of my mood and that just makes me more angry. I think my best option is just to "miss" some calls for the next few days. They invented call display for a reason, right?

If you are reading this post now, don't be surprised if it disappears another day. The fear...the fear....

Thursday Thirteen - 13 Things I wish I could do today

I've caught on to this fun practice done by many bloggers. I've done a couple of trial runs through notes with my friends on Facebook. Here's my 13 for today....13 things I wish I could do today.

1. sleep in.....remember the days of 10am wake ups?

2. go for breakfast (mmmm, eggs benedict) and not have to share any of my food

3. go to the movies - a movie I want to see, not just whatever is playing at the one screen movie theatre here in town

4. have a conversation with any of my friends I haven't talked to in a long, long while.....several friends come immediately all come to mind - uninterrupted

5. find a way to make my son happy more than 10% of the time - you've seen the picture of his current mood

6. think of something new and exciting for me to do with my kids - I love summer, but already the beach is wearing a bit thin

7. step on the scale and see my weight 10 lbs lighter - a girl can dream, can't she?

8. open my mail and find a big unexpected cheque - spending money for our upcoming trip to Vegas

9. tell my mother off for how she hurt my feelings yesterday (and many times before that)...this one is just for my blog, since she's one of my friends on Facebook

10. find the time and motivation to tidy up some stuff that is just lying around - yes, there are still boxes from moving in April sitting in my bedroom

11. get paid for all the extra curricular work I've been going lately

12. sit at a cafe in Paris having a leisurely meal, then stroll around the city holding hands without a care in the world - ok, my dreams are getting more ambitious

13. lie down to go to bed at night and be able to fall asleep instantly - not process every thing that happened that day and is going to happen tomorrow

What do you wish you could be doing today?

Sibling highs and lows

Today had a definite high and low.

HIGH
Baby Girl set up a "rocket ship" out on our back deck with a big blanket. The kids pulled out a million things from their rooms and were pretending to go up in the rocket. It was SOOOOOOOOOO cute to peek outside and see them snuggled up in the blanket, chattering away, Baby Girl giving instructions on what to do next. They played for ages in the backyard, just running around doing different things. Such good friends.

LOW
A scratching, pinching fight where Baby Boy actually left a claw mark (yes, I promptly trimmed his fingernails) on Baby Girl's bare chest. Lots of screaming from Baby Girl and LOTS of time to himself in his room for Baby Boy. What was it about, who actually knows...Baby Girl getting in Baby Boy's space? Baby Boy taking one of Baby Girl's toys?

Being with these kids is like being on a manic depressive rollercoaster ride, when we're up we're really, really up and when we're down, boy does it ever suck.

The Amazing Human Body

Baby Boy was born missing the lower part of his left arm. I often wonder what extra lessons that Baby Boy will teach me in life. I know patience is one, but I think that is a given for any parent (especially those who are in or have passed through the todder / preschooler years). Acceptance is a big one. I am driven to find new ways all the time to teach others how to be accepting of people different than themselves. My "speech" about Baby Boy's arm has changed over the last couple of years. I'm noticing now, more than ever, that I'm having to play teacher to the outside world, especially since Baby Boy is older and running around with other kids. Some days I'm up for it and some days I'm not. Some days I can feel the stares and feel inclined to engage people in conversations and answer their questions and other days, my ears fall deaf to the questions I can hear kids asking from a distance. It makes me weary. Parenting is such a big responsibility and with Baby Boy's disability, the responsibility has multiplied and there aren't any guidebooks or "what to expect" manuals to help me along the way. I have noticed though that I have back-up in my teachings as of late. Already some of our kids' friends and parents are sharing my message with others who ask questions when I'm not close by. It filled my heart with such joy to hear a friend of Baby Girl explaining to another child at the playground the other day that Baby Boy was "born that way".

Anyways, I digress. The thing that caught me the other day while watching Baby Boy run along a path after his sister was how how amazing the human body is. I watched his little legs move and flow and his arms pump up and down beside him. There was no holding him back. His body was responding to his wish to catch up to Baby Girl. How amazing it is that our bodies just respond to synapses in our brain that we don't even feel ourselves thinking. As I watched closer, I was caught by his movements in his upper body. The way he easily picked things up and tucked one under his little arm to facilitate picking up something else. How he is able to swing his blanket around his neck with the help of his little arm. How he has figured out how to take his own shirt off by sliding the little arm out first and twisting the shirt to get it over his head. Sure, there are tasks where he asks for help. But more often than not, I don't think it's his missing hand that's holding him back, it's just his age and his tottering back and forth between being independent and wanting help.

I know there are a million more lessons ahead of me as a mother and most days I'm thankful for those lessons. I can only hope that I am as good a teacher to my kids as they are to me.

The weekend ahead

This weekend is going to be a turning point for our family. My husband is officially scheduled for a vasectomy tomorrow, and so will end the children in our family. The road to this decision has been a bumpy one. There is sadness in my heart. I still could have gone for one more, would have felt more complete. The reasons are many and most of them make sense only to me, but ultimately ever since Baby Boy was born over two years ago, I've just FELT like I had another baby inside me. This spring has been difficult on our marriage as we've had lots of discussions about how we each felt. Both of us standing firm on opposite ends of the "third baby" bridge. I think both of us were trying to wait each other out, hoping the other would come around to our way of thinking. In the end, I could see that the bridge was actually more like a canyon and it was getting deeper with each conversation. I needed to look closely at the overall decision and decide between my own need for another child and the happiness of my marriage. I realized that I had decided to spend the rest of my life with my husband, not my children who, although at the moment feel like they will never leave my side, will one day pack up and take off to live a life of their own.

So tomorrow is operation day. My weekend will be spent doing what I do every day, caring for the needs and providing entertainment for my two children, while tending to the aches and pains of my husband, who will be lying on the couch watching soccer, I'm sure. As we head into this new part of our lives together, I am trying to focus on what I am thankful for, not what I think would make me happier.

I'm thankful for my husband who is wonderful in so many ways.
I'm thankful for my two beautiful children, even when they drive me insane and that they are both healthy.
I'm thankful for our small town life, the one we chose to live so we could give more of ourselves to our children.
I'm thankful for my friends, who help me talk through my sorrows.
I'm even thankful for my dog, who, despite spending the last 48 hours pacing and panting around the house because of the wind and storms in our town, is an important part of our family - my first baby, in fact.

Romance and marriage

Why is it that men (or maybe it's just married men) don't catch on to the immediate benefits they can achieve by watching romantic movies with their partner?

I know that as a rule men don't like romantic comedies, romantic dramas. They'd rather watch action packed thrillers or bathroom based comedies. Don't get me wrong, I like all different types of movies. But every once in a while, it sure feels great to put in a predictable, fallin' in love romantic comedy.

Last night I realized that my husband would really get a lot (wink, wink) out of sitting through a whole romantic comedy with me. The key being that he was awake at the end of the movie. Romance gets me in the mood. It reminds me of when my husband and I were "falling in love" way back when. The moonlit walks, the sandy beaches, the stolen kisses. So it sure is disappointing to go through a whole movie and not have the happy ending sitting beside you, ready to "discuss" when the credits roll.

The Mommy Drug

Can I tell you about my day today? I have discovered my drug of choice - time off. After four years and two months of motherhood, I have finally discovered the thing that will clear the path to some stress release. Time to myself to do what I want to do, not grocery shop or run errands.

I dropped my kids off at daycare this morning. Baby Boy only went for the morning, but what a joy to have 3.5 hours ahead of me with no commitments but to myself. So I picked up a friend and we went on an hour hike up a mountain. It's 30C+ here at the moment and we were dyin', but the 10 minutes at the top to sit and look out over the mountains and the lake and cool down was worth it. I dropped her off and went home for a nice long, uninterrupted shower and time on the computer before I picked Baby Boy up. The bonus was that I brought him home, put him down for his nap and then went out on my own AGAIN.....to have a patio lunch with ANOTHER friend, while my husband worked from home.

I felt like a real person again today. I don't what that means really, but it felt so wonderful to just move to my own drum today. I was a better mother for it when I picked Baby Girl up from daycare and had to deal with hot, tired, cranky children. Their whines and needs just rolled off my back. My refresh button had been pushed. Why didn't I figure this out sooner?

I'm THAT mother

Yesterday on the beach we sat near a mother and her two children, a girl and boy about 6 and 4. The entire time we were at the beach this mother was yelling at her children:

"come here"
"give your brother/sister a turn"
"we're packing up and leaving"
"your behaviour is unacceptable"
"listen to me"

Part of me could feel her pain. Who knows how much time I spend every day saying the same thing to my kids....the constant disciplining and negotiating. But at the same time I was happy that, for the most part, my kids were listening to me and getting along.

And then today, the tables turned. We were at the park with another set of friends and all the kids were in deaf mode, running around, oblivious to our screams and shouts for their attention. My friend and I battled our way through lunch, hoping, pleading inside our minds that our kids would start to listen and we wouldn't be forced to lay down the law and pack up and leave. But they just wouldn't listen. They fed off of eachother, each child tempting the others to keep running. So we packed up and my daughter threw a fit. She screamed at me and marched away, growling and mumbling under her breath, a sign of the teenager to come. As we tried to herd them to the parking lot, they all took off and my loudest voice appeared, yelling my daughter's name and counting like the numbers one and two had never been counted before. Today I was THAT mother, the one that yells, the one who's children don't listen. Today it was my turn.

Searching for inspiration

My fingers are quiet these days. The last little while I've felt words, stories, thoughts bubbling in my brain, aching to get out and this week I am silent. I want to write, but my brain isn't helping. Maybe it's the heat. It has been over 30C, closer to 40C for the past week. By the end of the day (when I do most of my writing) my body is exhausted from moving around in the heat. Maybe it's my whining son. I don't get it. Where did this miserable little boy come from? His tantrums, his demands, his whining persist through the day. Smiling, happy moments are rare. On a side note, when brushing his teeth tonight I noticed a molar broken through at the back - so maybe that's his problem....new teeth. Maybe it's my extracurricular workload. Lately I feel like I'm running to catch up. My volunteer work is crazy. The demands of the organization have suddenly jumped into overdrive and there is no backing off.

I'm eager for a break from reality. Last week I discovered the crack cocaine of a stay at home mother's world - time, time by myself. I had a babysitter come over for the morning so I could go out for a hike and as I backed out of the driveway I felt this rush of energy. I actually felt giddy. I had two and a half hours ahead of me with nothing to do but what I wanted to do. It felt great. It opened my eyes to what is missing in this overworked, stressed out mama's world. Time. So when my next attempt at time on Friday was stuffed with family obligations, I felt slighted, ripped off. I hope this Friday will boost me back up and help me find my words again.

Family memories

We took our kids camping for the very first time this weekend. Baby Girl is four and Baby Boy is two so obviously we haven't been in a big hurry. I'm not an avid camper, so wasn't eager to pack my infants up and take them to the great outdoors where we would all get dirty and eat lukewarm food for the weekend....unlike a few friends I have who are happy to take their 4-week old baby camping. I digress. This year, we decided we were ready to start. Baby Boy is walking now and ready to run around with his sister. We have the monster 6 man tent - the one you can stand up and have a rave in, so we were set for space. The rest of the gear is pretty minimal, but we decided to hook up with a couple other families and go out together to share in meals and gear. Our ambitions were low. Our destination only 20 minutes out of town to a local family campground.

It was great. There were three families - all three with a four year old and two year old. The kids all got along well. You know, there were the odd "moments" of sharing wars or "you're not my friend anymore" but for the most part the kids played well. On more than one occasion, all six adults sat down at the picnic table and ate a meal together. We all relaxed our bedtime routines and the kids went to bed fairly easy given some extra time to run around. Once in bed, the adults reverted to our own youthful selves, drinking copious amounts of alcohol, burning large cardboard boxes, talking about who our "top three men/women to sleep with" would be. We spent hours down at the beach, playing in the sand, reading trashy magazines, cooling off in the lake. The hardest part has been coming home. We're all exhausted, dirty, hot and cranky. It's pizza for supper tonight - no meal preparation for these parents. But the cranky kids at home is well worth the weekend of fun. Camping is definitely on our family to do list now. Amazing what getting out of town only 20 minutes down the road can do for family bonding.

iPod convert

My husband is a big music person. When he immigrated to Canada almost 10 years ago, he came with a couple of suitcases, a guitar and a crate of CDs. Since having children, his attention to music has slowed down. Money is spent on other things - like diapers and wipes - instead of new CDs. He used to spend lots of time getting music off the Internet until it wrecked our old computer. So last year when our friends showed off their new iPod, complete with video capabilities, my husband was hooked. He began saving and plotting how he would get his own iPod to download all his CDs in one place and start searching for new music again.

I'll admit it, I was resistant. I didn't get the benefit in spending over $300 for something when you could just pick the CDs you wanted to listen to and take them with you in the car. I made my opinion clear. But in the end, it was his bonus check and all our other "big wishes" for that year were covered, so he got an iPod, complete with speaker stand and car converter.

Well, we've had it for almost 6 months and I hate to admit that I'm converted. I love it. I was the first one to create a playlist on it. I was the one to buy a whole bunch of new music - mostly 90's dance tunes to make me feel young again. I was the one to take it on long road trips with 6 hours of music on a playlist so I didn't have to change CDs. I'm the one who happily puts it in my water belt when I go on long walks so my dance tunes can motivate me up the mountain. I'm not sure what life would be like without our iPod now. I'd certainly spend less time dancing around my kitchen with my kids to the likes of Mika and Madonna.