Moods captured on film

We still live in the "film" world when it comes to taking pictures here. So there isn't the instant gratification of digital in seeing the pictures we have taken. The latest batch came back yesterday and I was pleased to find two pictures that appropriately captured the current mood of my children. These are the children that rule my world.

Crazy Baby Girl

Miserable Baby Boy

My secret wish

Anyone who really knows me, knows I love to sleep. I love my bed, my duvet, a dark and quiet room. Since becoming a parent, opportunities to relish this "love" of mine have been few and far between. From a very early age, I can remember lying in my bed, listening to Baby Girl's breathing in the cradle next to me, desperate for a quiet room so I could sleep uninterrupted. Moving our kids to their own beds and own rooms was not a difficult decision for me. I was happy for some space - probably the only time of the day when I could claim freedom from my children's needs.

But deep down, there is a part of me that longs for my children to crawl into my bed and snuggle into me and fall asleep. I long to feel them curled up beside me - their little spoon tucked into my big one.

This wish always catches me when I go to bed at night and peek into their rooms before I go to sleep. They are so peaceful and serene. Their sleeping faces and crumpled pyjamas make me want to scoop them up and tuck them into my bed with me. Maybe it's a childhood thing. I can remember sneaking into my parents' room as a child to sleep with my mom. I miss not having that with my kids....and most of me knows that I'm not going to have it. I've tried sleeping with Baby Girl and the reality of it is nowhere close to the dream - there's kicking and tossing and early, early morning wake-ups.

So instead I'll just tuck it away as my secret wish and take pleasure in the cuddles on the couch instead.

The Gag Reflex

I've been changing poopy diapers for over 4 years now and you would think that my nose would have adjusted to the smells. As any mother knows, changing a toddler diaper is a far more traumatic experience than a newborn diaper and Baby Boy's diapers at the moment are no exception. I've had the pleasure of babysitting my friend's kids a couple times this past week and was caught off guard by my diaper changing experience.

My question - why is one's gag reflex so much stronger when changing other children's diapers? Does one's nose actually know the smell of your own children?

Operation "Social Life" - Back on Track

I've realized a very important thing about myself over the last few years - friends are important to me. Although I come from a close family of three children, my friends are very much my family. So when my husband and I decided to pack up and leave the Big City so we could downsize and allow me to stay home with Baby Girl, I had to say good-bye to a very important part of my life - my friends.

Back in the Big City we had a great group of friends. We all seemed to be moving through the same stages of life together - first we bought houses, then we got dogs, next we got married and finally we were starting to have kids. We saw each other all the time, had dinner parties, looked out for eachother. It was everything I had always wished for in an adult social life.

So moving was hard. Ultimately I knew that we would make new friends (or should I say, I would make new friends....my husband is a bit of an introvert), but it's hard to start from scratch. New friends don't hold the same comfort as old friends. Old friends KNOW you. There are things you don't have to explain. When there's a lull in the conversation, you can always revert back to "do you remember when...." conversations. You can jump immediately into a deep meaningful conversation, when you really need to talk something out.

The last three years have been slow and somewhat painful. We went through a time when I could have really used that support circle of friends - we had our second child, who was born with a disability we weren't expecting. I've been lonely. But slowly I've started to make some friends. With time and perseverance (I'm one of those extroverted friends that Bub and Pie talked about here), I've found some wonderful friends. This summer I feel like I have friends that I could call anytime to get together, not feel like I have to make plans weeks in advance to fit into each other's schedules. I like the feeling that we can go to the playground and know that we'll probably run into someone we know. We're doing things in the community that shows we are here to stay.

Tonight we hosted our first summer BBQ at our new house with some new friends and it felt so good to sit and talk while our kids ran around in the yard playing together. Tonight I felt like my hopes for our adult social life are back on track.

Two Strikes

Today I have been the mother than other mothers compare themselves against and feel better about themselves. I'm tired and my defenses are down at the moment. I'm battling yet another sore throat / cough (side note - I've finally made an appointment to see an ENT next month), I'm not sleeping well (cough, snoring husband, pacing dog) and I'm trying to motivate myself to get out and exercise, with all attempts leading back to some form of chocolate.

Anyways, my day started early. Baby Girl found me sleeping on the couch at 6.30am after another restless night of sleep. I was desperate to catch some more zzz's so after several failed attempts to get her to stay in her room and play quietly for another hour, and the subsequent waking of Baby Boy, I asked her to bring me the clicker to show her how to turn on the TV for some morning Treehouse. My girlfriend phoned at 8.30am and said "it sounds like you're still in bed" to which I answered "I am, but I'm awake". Our conversation of course led to her asking how I manage to stay in bed so long with a 4 and 2 year old running around the house, to which I answered that they were watching TV. Strike One.

After my lazy start to the morning, I finally get the kids organized and Baby Girl off to daycare (45 minutes late, but just in time for snack....a very important part of the day for her). I pick up some snacks in town for Baby Boy and me and head down to the beach to meet the same friend I talked to earlier and another friend. My snack shopping included a dark chocolate and pear brioche (yum!) from the french bakery in town and as I bought it, I tried to figure out how I was going to manage to eat it myself without having to share it with Baby Boy. It had hazelnuts in it and I'm still a bit leery of nuts for him. My solution......during our next stop at Safeway, I bought him a honey glazed donut to eat. So down to the beach we go and of course he starts asking for his donut. As he's sat on our blanket munching away, my friends smile and proceed to pull out their kids' snacks - avocado and cucumber. Strike Two. (Side note - I did have a very healthy lunch packed - boiled egg, crackers, nectarine, in the event we stayed at the park long enough to eat lunch.)

Not a particularly great start to today, but right now it doesn't bother me. Some days are doing what it takes to get through the day and both of my strikes made for happy children. We're told to pick our battles as parents and today I just wasn't up for a pestering preschooler at the beginning of the day or a tantruming toddler. I promise to try harder another day.

Eating woes

So I was reading a blog over at Cheaty Monkey all about Haley-O being excited about her daughter finally eating. It must be nerve racking to watch your child all day long, picking away at his/her food, wondering if they are consuming enough calories. I have a friend with two kids who are like that. They pick and pick at their food. Snacks are available all day, anytime, in hopes that they will eat.

I, on the other hand, have the opposite problem and I swear, somedays, it's going to drive me to drink (a habit I sadly gave up years ago). My kids want to eat ALL THE TIME. We eat a good breakfast here. I remind them that this is all there is until lunch and they look at me and say they're all done. As soon as we get into the car to go into town for our morning activity, they start asking. Baby Boy says it as soon as you plant his bum in his car seat. "I want en-ga (his toddler word for food)". We go to the park. Baby Boy doesn't play - he just eats. We sit on the park bench for hours, just snacking away on whatever I have in the backpack. Sometimes I only bring one snack - a fruit bar or fish crackers, and he has an absolute meltdown if there's not more to eat. If we have friends at the park, they want to eat their snack too. I often question why we even go to the park, when we could have very happily just stayed home and ate all morning.

I honestly believe that food is one of the hardest parts of being a mother for me. It feels like that's what I spend the majority of my day doing - making food, thinking about food, cleaning up food. I hate thinking about what to make for meals. I wonder if my kids get sick of eating the same things over and over again, but I just can't find more exciting things to make. And when I do finally get some inspiration, they don't eat. What's up with that?

So for all the parents out there that worry about whether their kids are eating enough, know that on the opposite end of the spectrum, there are parents with non-stop eaters having our own frustrations with the never ending requests.

Therapy required - all thanks to Facebook

So I'm a Facebook addict. I'll openly admit that I check my Facebook many times a day in hopes that someone has sent me a message or posted something fun for me to look at from their life. I'm sure it's a sign of my disconnect from the real world, being here at home with my two kids. So far, I've only connected with my current circle of friends - people who have been part of my life in the last 10 years. It's fun to feel like they are more part of my day-to-day world, when most of them live so far away.

One exception to my list of Facebook friends is a friend that I went to junior high and high school with that I fell out of touch with and am happy to be reconnected. The problem is she sent me a link to a "group" for people who went to our junior high. So now part of my regular Facebook routine is to look at who has joined that group, mostly out of curiosity. It's natural to want to see what the people who haunted my early teens look like now and see who they are still friends with. And that's exactly what I did the other night. I started clicking on people and digging down to see who is still friends with who and who has joined Facebook. It shouldn't have come as much surprise that I started to find ex-boyfriends (ok, this one's from high school, I was never cool enough to have a boyfriend in junior high) and ex-friends. What did surprise me was the sudden wave of anxiety that washed over me as I looked at these people. Memories came flooding back. Memories of the horrible mind games that teenage girls play on one another in junior high. It was difficult for me to look at some people and despite knowing full well that they are adults now and probably very nice people, I felt angry towards them. I felt angry at the sudden dip in my self-esteem, just from looking at their picture.

So I'm going to stop searching for people that I used to know. I know that I would never instigate a connection with them. The shy part of me thinks "would they even remember me". The grown-up, get a hold of yourself part of me thinks "who really cares". What really scares me is what lies ahead for my children, especially my daughter. Although we're still almost a decade away from junior high, I worry about her and I worry about me, how I'll react to her junior high experience. Best to remain focused in the present - the demands of being four and two - instead of reliving the past and worrying about the future.

Quiet Time Regained & Things That Confirm My Kids are Mine

Wow - November. Has it really been that long since I blogged? My new addiction is Facebook - like so many others I know and my words have been falling to the Notes of Facebook instead of on a blog. It's felt good to get my fingers back on the keyboard, typing away the random thoughts of a 30-something, mother of two, looking for an outlet. So I've recaptured my Blogger account, decided to stay with my Quiet Time Musings and made a commitment to myself to write something down more often. The stories in my head are bubbling around and are aching to be heard. So here goes.....today's random thoughts...

Things about my kids that confirms they are mine.

Baby Girl
1. She loves movies. I tried so hard at the beginning to keep her from watching lots of TV and she was doing great until Fraser arrived. Slowly over time her tastes have evolved from kids shows to kids movies. She LOVES them and can watch them over and over again. I should have known. I can't get enough of movies either.

2. She has a terrible sense of dress sense. I've never been known for my cutting edge fashion sense and Baby Girl is no different. She is more than happy to create a mis-matched ensemble of clothing for herself every day. Doesn't really bother me - as long as she's happy!

3. She loves to dance. Ever since she saw 'Happy Feet', the movie this winter, Baby Girl has caught dancing fever. She proudly shows off her happy feet dance to anyone who will watch. She's recently picked up some Hawaiian dance moves from watching "Lilo and Stitch" that she's incorporated into her dance act. Just think how she'll react one day when I tell her that I too was an avid dancer in my younger years, gracing the speakers of Whistler nightclubs.

Baby Boy
1. He loves his bed. When you tuck him in at night, he snuggles right down into his pillow, grabs his blanket and pulls it up to his neck and snuggles in for the night.

2. He loves chocolate. Baby Girl loves sweets too, but Baby Boy is especially unsatiable when it comes to chocolate. He asks for it at home. He runs to it at the store. Given the choice at Dairy Queen between a strawberry and chocolate sundae - he ALWAYS chooses chocolate.

3. He has a killer pout. In the last month or so, he's learned to stick his bottom lip out, drop his chin and hunch is shoulders in the biggest pout I've ever seen. According to sources (his Grandma Lady) he's just like I was when I was little. I wish I had matching pictures to prove it.